Politics & Funk

“In politics stupidity is not a handicap”

–Napoleon Bonaparte

Napoleon Bonaparte

He had pushed too hard too fast, and by the winter of 1813 the end was near. Napoleon’s attempted invasion of Russia had weakened his army significantly and the Coalition–formed of Russia, Prussia, Austria, Sweden, the UK, Spain and Portugal–was closing in.

At Lepzig, on October 16, he lost badly and staggered back into France with a mere 70,000 troops left–a fraction of his army at its full glory. The British surrounded him in the south and the rest of the coalition closed in from the German states.  He held them off for a while–winning a series of battles during the Six Days Campaign–but in the Spring Paris was finally taken.

Napoleon wanted to charge the capital and go out in a blaze of glory, but his generals mutinied. Instead, he was banished to Elba, a small island off the coast of Italy, where he was given sovereignty and allowed to retain his title of Emperor.  Distraught, he attempted suicide with a pill he had carried since a near capture in Moscow years before, but its potency had faded and he survived.  He built a small army and navy and modernized the mines.  He stood still for a while.  He quickly grew anxious, though.  He was generally an anxious man.

On February 26, 1815, Napoleon Bonaparte escaped Elba and sailed to the French mainland.  A regiment of soldiers was sent to intercept him.  They made contact with Napoleon south of Genoble on March 7.  From a distance they watched as his figure danced towards them on horseback.  He was one man staring down an army.  He took a lengthy glance at the horizon of soldiers facing him.  He cleared his throat–hawking up a great gob of spit and mucus–and spat defiantly on the grass below him.  “Fuck it!” he shouted.

Like a drunk walking into a bouncer’s fist, Napoleon hopped off his horse and strode fiercely toward the crew of French soldiers.  The regiment grew nervous. The drummer boy rapped out a fiery tune.  “Stop playing that shit or I’ll decapitate you,” the general of the regiment screamed.  “Play your bongo instead, it’s much more smoothing to my ears.”  The young lad demurred and pulled a massive African cowhide drum out from underneath his plaid skirt.  His percussion fell into synch with the steps of Napoleon.  Despite his daintiness, Napoleon’s footsteps boomed as he shuffled towards the perplexed soldiers.  When he was within gunshot range, he stopped, tossed back his glamorous long brown locks and screamed, “Here I am, kill your Emperor if you wish.”

Beau Breedlove gets milky

Instead of shooting, the soldiers responded by shouting “Vive Le Empereur!” and marching toward Paris where they retook the capital and harvested an army of 200,000.  Napoleon was ecstatic, but he soon grew bored with his ascendancy and decided to shift his attentions from battleground strategery to barely legal young boys.  He found a supple young page and began every morning by slowly pouring a gallon of warm milk over his blossoming pectorals.  For the most part, he went with either whole or skim, but, on occasion, he opted for…Oh my God, what have I done here?  I’ve mixed things up.

Napoleon didn’t meet his reckoning due to his lecherous pursuit of homosexual party boys.  He was never elected as mayor of Portland after steadfastly and sanctimoniously denying allegations that he was involved with a dark, handsome 18-year old enigma with the porn star moniker Beau Breedlove.   He didn’t lie repeatedly to friends, confidants and voters about his relationship with the boy–who was only 17 when he began “mentoring” him–and he didn’t use his political staff to pressure and groom the man to lie to the media.

No, Napoleon didn’t do any of these things.  Napoleon came back from Elba, ruled France for 100 days and then met his destiny and was finally defeated at Waterloo and exiled to St. Helena Island–2,000 miles from any landmass–where he eventually died.

No, it was not Napoleon, but Portland Mayor Sam Adams whose pathological penchant for dishonesty was so gigantic that he felt no shame in using his own homosexuality as a blanket to shield him from rumors of an inappropriate relationship with a seventeen year-old boy.

Sam Adams and Beau Breedlove

Adams–the first homosexual elected as the mayor of one of America’s top 30 largest cities–confessed two weeks ago that he had been lying about his affair with boy-toy lover Beau Breedlove after certifiably badass Willamette Weekly reporter Nigel Jaquiss dragooned a number of Breedlove’s acquaintances into going on the record with their knowledge that Adams and Breedlove had been much more than friends.

Adams had consistently claimed that he served as nothing more than a mentor to Breedlove, who was a legislative intern in Salem in 2005 when the two met.  Breedlove, now 21, stuck to this story as well until reaching the breaking point in a somewhat cryptic yet revelatory text message he sent to Jaquiss stating: “I can’t say anything. I’m sorry. I’m scared. If the story goes to print without me saying anything, I’m worried I will look like a scumbag. If I do say anything, then Sam’s fate is in my hands.”

When one of his early mayoral opponents Bob Ball–who is also gay– raised questions about Adams relationship with Breedlove in 2007, Adams was especially self-righteous in his denials.  “If this had come from the right wing — and it probably will now — that would have been one thing. But to come from another gay man is something more hurtful. It plays into the worst deep-seated fears society has about gay men: You can’t trust them with your young,” he told the Portland Mercury in September of 2007.

The Portland news media–unable to find any evidence of the suggested impropriety–backed Adams up and attacked Ball for what they considered to be “slurs” on Adam’s character.  Adams ascended to the Mayor’s office with ease and rumors off his relationship with Breedlove died off until two weeks ago.  Then, at a sit down meeting with Willamette Weekly reporters–during which he not only continued to initially deny the allegations but even accused one of his accusers of attempting to rape Breedlove(audio here)– Adams finally gave it up.

Breedlove, who had been eluding the media for weeks, sat down with the Oregonian a week later and–between striking provocative pictures with his newly adopted German Shepherd Lolita–admitted that he and Adams slept together after he turned eighteen and shared a passionate kiss in Adam’s car and in the bathroom of city hall while he was still seventeen.

The fallout was predictable.  The Oregonian and a number of Portland newspapers–including the gay publication Just Out–called for Adams resignation, while a cadre of Adams loyalists urged him to stay in office.  The mayor underwent a week of soul searching–taking long walks over the Burnside Bridge at midnight wearing nothing but his horn-rimmed glasses and a lime-green trench coat. Beau Breedlove bought a new Cowboy hat, and a coterie of literary miscreants in Eugene, Oregon suggested that the mayor be banished to Elba.

Then on Sunday, January 26, Adams declared that he was staying in office. Since Oregon law requires at least six months pass before a public official face a recall, it appears Adams will stick around for a while regardless of the fact that he’s still under investigation by the Attorney General for potential sexual misconduct.

Here at P and F, we’ve been steadfast in our support of gay rights over the years, and while we find it a bit disconcerting that Sam Adams robs the cradle, we’re not immune to the charms of young, nubile flesh ourselves. But this scandal isn’t about sex; it’s about the pathological lying and abhorrent misconduct that Mr. Adams engaged in to cover his tryst up.

It’s about a man with a messianic sense of self-righteousness so grotesque that he began to believe his own mythology– that he was a victim of hate and prejudice– when in fact he was a political benefactor of homophobia and used its specter to mask his own misdeeds and weaknesses.

However, in the midst of his duplicity, Mr. Adams has achieved something that only a few heralded politicians in history can claim. He has banged an intern, lied about it unflinchingly for years to thousands of people, disparaged the character of those who correctly accused him of impropriety, been revealed as charlatan and then had the guile to not relinquish the power he commands.

Bob Packwood is envious. Mark Foley gives his props.  Larry Craig is dying for an autographed picture.  Bill Clinton….well yesterday he referred to  Adams as “a chip off the old block.”

And Napoleon.  His ghost still rots in St. Thomas.  He died there.  Some say it was from stomach cancer, others suggest the British poisoned him with arsenic.  Regardless, he salutes your gusto Mr. Adams.  He thinks you’re a hell of general. He believes you have the potential to be a tremendous autocrat.

Tags: Beau Breedlove, Bill Clinton, Bob Packwood, Cowboy Hats, gays, Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Napoleon, Oregon, Portland, Sam Adams, Sex

On December 26, 2003, Meatpuppets bassist Cris Kirkwood got into an argument with a woman over a parking spot outside of a Phoenix post office.  Kirkwood had been living in drug-induced seclusion in his Phoenix home for years–even refusing to leave his house after both his wife and best friend overdosed inside.  What he was doing at the post office on the day after Christmas is anyone’s guess.  Maybe he had an urgent letter to pick up?

What is clear is that when a security guard intervened in Kirkwood’s parking lot dispute, he wasn’t too pleased.  Feeling unable to properly articulate his side of the story with words, Kirkwood shoved the security guard, knocked his glasses off, snatched his baton and proceeded to pummel him with it.  The guard was taken by surprise, but after suffering numerous blows from his own baton, he drew his gun and fired a bullet into Kirkwood’s back.

Kirkwood spent a few months in the hospital. When he recovered, he was charged with assault with a deadly weapon, pleaded guilty and served two years in prison.  Upon his release, the Meatpuppets–who had disbanded almost a decade prior–reunited.

The Meatpuppets have always been a strange crew.  Their introduction into mainstream pop culture occurred in 1994, when Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain invited them to play along as he covered three of their songs–”Plateau,” “Oh, My” and “Lake of Fire”– on MTV unplugged.  In 1994, they released the album “Too High to Die” and had a minor commercial success with the track “Backwater.”

Despite their legendary consumption of cocaine, heroin, LSD and other drugs, the Meatpuppets managed to navigate the mid 90’s without ending up in body bags.  But, eventually Cris’s addiction to cocaine and heroin became so severe that he quit the band and withdrew into his own private psychosis.

Fast-forward a decade or so, and the Meatpuppets have reunited, released a new album (Rise to Your Knees) and are currently touring in support of it.  Last Tuesday–while Barack Obama was being sworn in as the 44th President–they played Wow Hall in Eugene, Oregon.

Many in the crowd seemed to have been frozen in time–possibly having not left their homes since the death of Kurt Cobain in 1994.  Flannel was ubiquitous, shoulder length hair was the norm, and a crude yet formidable mosh pit erupted near the front of the stage.

The meatpuppets–now in their mid 40’s–were bedraggled and strung-out looking and unleashed a rhapsodic punk-country-metal fusion that was simultaneously goofy, unpolished and ruthlessly badass.  They played with the whimsy of a band at ease with the fact that their peak was behind them and unconcerned that in the cannon of grunge/alternative music they’ll likely be most remembered as the band Kurt Cobain covered three songs from in his swan song performance.

They rocked “Oh My,” “Lake of Fire” and “Plateau” without pretense–electrifying the crowd with each one, and in between they jumped and hopped around to a number of  bluegrassey ditties that would unexpectedly crash into torrents of hard rock.

Both brothers–Cris and Kurt–still sported goofy mops of shaggy hair.  I kept my eye on Cris, trying to determine if he was indeed sober, but it was impossible to tell.  Regardless, he seemed at ease, often gyrating with his eyes closed and flinging his hirsute figure across the stages in manic bursts (see video).

At one point, a pudgy street woman (wearing flannel) ran her hand down my lower thigh.   Barely able to coordinate the movements of her mouth due to what appeared to be acute ecstasy intoxication, she proclaimed she could feel my aura penetrating her and asked for my sign. It was the only blemish in an otherwise rewarding night.

Tags: Cris Kirkwood, Eugene, Kurt Cobain, Lake of Fire, Meatpuppets, Nirvana, Oh My, Oregon, Plateau, Wow Hall

“Face to face
And back to back
You see and feel
My sex attack”

–Billy Idol

When he was 10, Billy Idol joined the Cub Scouts. He wasn’t Billy Idol then, he was William Michael Albert Broad and he was living a rather unremarkable existence in Goring, England. He went to school, played sports, climbed trees, went to the theater, attended church, did the dishes, hung out with his mates and engaged in the normal activities of a 10-year-old boy. For this reason, it wasn’t much of a surprise that when most of his peers joined the St. Mary’s Cub Scouts, Billy did, too.

But unlike his friends, Billy’s career as a Cub Scout was short-lived. And the reason he was asked to leave the chapter—a mere 3 months after he joined—forecasted a destiny that could not be properly groomed by tying square knots and building tepees. Sure, Billy had already displayed a bit of a wild streak, but when he was caught by his scoutmaster feeling up a girl five years his senior behind a hotdog stand in the midst of a soapbox derby, it became abundantly clear that he had talents far beyond whittling. He was pure sex, a budding cocksman of epic promise, and such a threat to the moral integrity of the Cub Scouts that his presence could no longer be tolerated.

Yes, in October of 1965, William Albert Broad was given the boot by the St. Mary’s Cub Scouts. Months later, a teacher would write “Billy is idle,” on one of his school papers, in reference to Billy’s apparent disinterest in school. Ten years later, Billy would officially adopt the stage name Billy Idol during the formation of the Sex Pistols’ inspired punk band Generation X. Five years later, in 1984, he’d release his first solo album, Billy Idol, and armed with killer hair, a closet full of leather and an insatiable libido, he’d become a full-blown glam-rockstar and one of the earliest sex symbols of the burgeoning network MTV.

Since then, Billy’s almost died twice—first due to a motorcycle accident and then a mammoth overdose of GHB—but fate tends to smile on the hypersexual and Mr. Idol is still alive and thrusting today. In fact, he released Devil’s Playground, his first album in ten years, in 2005, and has been touring throughout 2008 in support of it.

It was three days ago—the morning after his Halloween show in Prague—that Billy’s agent, Leonard Washington, rang the central offices here at Politics and Funk.com. To be honest, the editorial staff was extremely hung over, and we only answered the phone as an alternative to breaking it into pieces to stop the ringing. But regardless of how haggard we may have felt at the moment, Leonard Washington sounded much worse.

He told us that he had been up throughout the night trying to prevent Billy from being…..Billy. According to Washington, age has done little to quell Idol’s appetite for drink and women, and he had crashed a Halloween party the night before, downing a handle of Maker’s Mark whiskey and fornicating with a corset-clad college student in an attic. At the peak of his intoxication—minutes before he did a back-flip into a keg stand—Idol had confided in Washington that he was a huge fan of Politics and Funk and that he considered it the supreme avenue for online political discourse. He then proclaimed that the media’s coverage of the 2008 election had sickened him and that he felt a burning desire to set the American public straight on a few things before they stroll to the polls like “bloody fucking sheep” on Election Day.

“So, what does this have to do with us?” Chief Editor Jamal Nesbit finally barked into the phone.

“Well, Billy wants to endorse, and he wants to do it on P and F,” Washington replied.

“No way, no guest writers and no endorsements, those are the core principles of P and F. Call The New York Times, they’re lusting for more Obama endorsements.”

“He’s not voting for Obama.”

“What, you’re telling me Idol digs the GOP? Fuck, what kind of world is this?”

“No, not McCain either.”

“Oh, so he wants to write in Ron Paul’s name?”

“Wrong again.”

“Well, then, who?”

“Idol isn’t a shill for the two-party system. He’s voting for Nader. He wants 600 words and if you don’t give it to him he’s vowed to de-flower the daughters of your entire staff.”

“Ha, he’ll be in his seventies by the time they’re of age, he won’t even be able to get it up.”

There was a pause on the line and a scream from somewhere distant. Washington sounded confused and frazzled, like the master of a vicious albino pit-bull whose thirst for the mailman could not be denied. Nesbit had transferred the call to speaker phone, and the brainchild of P and F sat in a crude semi-circle perplexed at the commotion. To be honest, we didn’t have a clue what was going on. But then, a low, staccato humming boomed through the phone.

“It’s a bass-line,” Nesbit said.

It was. Billy proceeded to serenade us with an a capella version of his 1984 hit, “White Wedding.” It was a robust performance and we were all pretty impressed, including the sole female member of the P and F team, copyeditor Laura Lane Welch, who flung herself on top of the speaker phone. Her eyes were glazed over and her body was convulsing in delight.

“What’s happening,” Nesbit asked.

“That my friend, is the female orgasm,” Head Editor Eli Percepied said.

He was right.

It is hard to strong-arm an independent webzine with no real journalistic motivation except the exercise of ego, but Billy Idol did just that. By sending Welch into fits of erotic bliss, he made it apparent that his threat of plundering our first-borns weren’t idle ones. We were faced with a grim choice, and to be honest, an easy one.

So without further adieu, we present to you the presidential endorsement of Billy Idol. And if the prose seems unedited, well, that’s because our copywriter couldn’t work on this piece without being sent into spates of sexual exhilaration, so we decided to just publish it raw. Besides, I think Billy prefers it that way.

Read Billy Idol’s endorsement.

Tags: Barack Obama, Billy Idol, John McCain, Leonard Washington, Politics and Funk, Ron Paul

I am not a writer.

In fact, I hate writers, they are so bloody pompous.

When I meet them, I laugh at them and their wasted talents. The real poets end up on the cover of Rolling Stone in leather briefs and lipstick, not writing for some fucking rag that no one reads. So I apologize if my words are crude, but I feel compelled to share something with you regarding this election: you are on the verge of really fucking it up.

Who am I talking to? No, not you jingoist, morally-obsessed, inbred shit-heads who are voting for John McCain. Your shockingly primitive brains are of no interest to me. If I was the king, as I fucking should be, I’d banish you all to Alaska and build huge fences around the state so you couldn’t get out. You bloody hillbillies have the collective intelligence of a crushed PBR can.

No, I don’t care to sway any loyal GOP followers, as their hideousness is so vile it actually makes me feel un-sexy. Nor, do I seek to pull votes away from the solipsistic fervor of mainstream liberalism. If you identify in totality with the agenda Democratic party, then you should be forced to spend the rest of your life in a sports bar full of New England Patriots fans. This will expose you to the horror of myopic loyalty, you pansy, liberal fucks!

No, these words aren’t intended for loyalists of either of the two major parties, as they are both beyond hope. This letter is addressed to one specific demographic, and that is the so called progressive wing of the Democratic party.

Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking to you so put down the fucking bong and listen.

You’re so fucking heady with your Obama “Change” shirt on, but do you have a goddamn clue what you’re voting for? You’ve got peace stickers all over your Che poster (I’m sure he’d approve), a fucking picture of Thoreau on your wall, and Zinn’s Peoples History of the United States on your dresser (btw, he’s voting for Nader), yet you’re about to cast a vote for a neo-liberal with a thirst for hegemony, Wall Street bailouts, government wiretaps and corporate campaign contributions, whose one consistency is choosing political expediency over political fortitude.

Barack Obama is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Sure, he’s sexy, but so am I and do you really want me in control of the presidency?

Remember when he said he was going to take public financing during the general election? Well, he reneged, and in doing so struck a huge blow to the burgeoning clean elections movement.

Remember his opposition to the Iraq War? Yeah, well, that was a nice talking point, but unfortunately he voted to fund the war in the Senate instead of showing some courage and standing up to the bloody neocons.

What about his opposition to the Patriot Act? Oh yeah, he voted to authorize that, too?

But, wait, wasn’t he opposed to the FISA bill? Didn’t he promise to filibuster it? Yup, he did, before he caved and voted to provide immunity to the telecommunications industry for spying on Americans

Ok, you say, but at least he’s anti-war, right.

Fuck no, you ignorant Yankee. Obama’s a hawk, just look at the foreign policy advisors he’s surrounding himself with. He takes advice from Madeleine Albright, architect of the economic sanctions that led to the death of 500,000 Iraqi children under the reign of Bill Clinton. When they asked that fat toad if she thought it was worth it to kill 500,000 kids to exert America’s imperial dominance, do you know what she said?

“I think this is a very hard choice, but the price–we think the price is worth it.”

Five hundred thousand kids dead due to a lack of food and medicine and somehow this shrew validates it all so casually. And where Bush started, Obama is ready to take up the reigns. Sure, he’ll pull us out of Iraq, but only so he can expand the war in Afghanistan. Just weeks ago, he committed to send over 15,000 more troops once he’s president, proclaiming that “the terrorists who attacked us on 9/11 are still at large and plotting.”

So you better find Barack a Stetson, because it appears America’s about to have another cowboy occupying the presidency.

“So, what do you expect me to do?” you ask. “I mean, I know Obama isn’t perfect, but he’s the at least better than McCain, isn’t, he?”

You’re goddamn right he is, but that doesn’t mean you should vote for him.

There are 50 states in this nation of used-car dealers and only nine of them are in play in this election. If you don’t live in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Virginia, Florida, Colorado, New Mexico, North Carolina, Missouri, or Indiana, you’re free to vote your conscience and you should.

So cast your vote for Ralph Nader.

This pimp has spent the last 50 years protecting everyday Americans from the corporations that prey upon us. He started his career by taking on the auto industry and is also responsible for the passage of The Clean Air, The Clean Water Act, the EPA, The Freedom of Information Act and a slew of other consumer-related reforms. He wants to cut the bloated Pentagon budget, truly abandon the American war doctrine, provide single-payer healthcare, mandate public financing of elections and demolish the corrupt two-party system.

Unfortunately, this true American hero has been excluded from the debates by the Republicans and Democrats, who have conspiratorially mandated that a candidate have a showing of 15% in the polls to participate—but you have the potential to right this wrong.

If Mr. Nader gets 5% of the national vote on Tuesday (he’s currently polling close to it), he will be granted public financing if he chooses to run in 2012. This means over 80 million dollars in funding and a chance to crack the corporate duopoly that’s been dominating politics for the last century.

Think about it. Do you really identify with Barack Obama’s policies? Do you really think that change comes from a candidate whose list of top donors is full of the Wall Street investment firms that precipitated the economic meltdown?

Declare your independence this Tuesday and a cast a vote for Ralph Nader.

Do it for yourself, do it for America, or do it for Billy fucking Idol, because outside of the pure sexual power of glam rock stardom, a vote is one of the most terrible things to waste.

Billy Idol is a British pop star. His views are his own and don’t necessarily represent those of Politics and Funk. He was granted this space after he threatened to plunder our first-born daughters.

Tags: Barack Obama, Billy Idol, FISA, Goldman Sachs, Madeleine Albright, Patriot Act, Ralph Nader

Meet Sally Kern.

Mrs. Kern is a former Oklahoma City social studies teacher and currently represents Oklahoma City in the state legislature. At a recent Republican club meeting, she unleashed a homophobic tantrum that was captured on tape.

During her tirade, Kern accused “Gays of infiltrating our city councils,” and attempting to “indoctrinate students as young as two years old with the homosexual agenda.” She went on to call homosexuality a “deadly cancer,” and declare that “the homosexual agenda is destroying this nation,” and “is the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism.”

Lastly, she reminded attendees that “studies show that no society that has totally embraced homosexuality has lasted more than two decades. ”

I’d really like to get my hands on that study.

Although we question Mrs. Kern’s research skills, Politics & Funk agrees that the gay agenda is a ruthless one.

In fact, every day the lesbians down the street from our office use aggressive tactics such as blaring Ani Difranco and refusing to sleep with men in order to further subjugate our editorial staff. They’ve stated that their vicious, gay jihad won’t end until we make a minimum of three Elton John playlists, or start dressing more appropriately.

For more on the Mrs. Kern’s anti-gay crusade, check out the video below and marvel at her psychosis and sweet, country drawl.

Tags: gays, Sally Kern

“Listen, I’m a fucking steamroller and I’ll roll over you and anybody else,” New York Governor Elliot Spitzer angrily yelled at New York Assembly Minority Leader James Tedisco (R-Schenectaday) outside the state capitol in early February. The crusading ex- prosecutor, known for his ruthless attacks on Wall Street corruption, price fixing, and insurance fraud, had a 30% approval rate at the time and was in the midst of a rough first term as Governor.

He’s likely dreaming for such difficulties right now.

Spitzer was named today as a client of the Emperor’s Club, a high-end prostitution ring that charged clients up to $5,000 per hour. According to the complaint, Spitzer retained the services of a prostitute while visiting Washington D.C. on the eve of Valentines day 2008. The next day he testified at a House Financial Services Committee hearing in D.C.

Because Spitzer actively coordinated the transportation of the prostitute across state lines–from New York to D.C.–he could potentially be tried under the Mann Act, a federal law that makes “transporting a female across state lines for ‘immoral’ purposes punishable by up to twenty years in prison.”

Want a sweetener?

Mr. Spitzer twice prosecuted prostitution rings while employed as Attorney General.

I think Keith Oblermann put things best when he declared the Governor’s downfall to be “a small scale Shakespearian tragedy.”

Tags: Elliot Spitzer, Emperor's Club, Mann Act, Prostitutes

7:15 P.M.

“Months ago he was carrying his own suitcase,” says Anderson Cooper about John McCain, who has just completed a storybook comeback by officially winning the Republican nomination. Meanwhile, Senator Obama has won Vermont and is leading in Texas, while Senator Clinton has captured Rhode Island and is ahead in Ohio.

The editorial staff at Politics & Funk is in the midst of nailing the political futures market. As you can see, we’ve got quite a full profile.

The word on the street is Huckabee is officially dropping out. Probably a good time for it, considering that McCain has now won the nomination. We’ll be back with more in a bit.

7:35 P.M.

Mike Huckabee has just given his last speech as a candidate for President. It began with an extended anecdote about Hall of Fame third-baseman George Brett. It ended with a lengthy quote about the Alamo. For all his peculiarities, Huckabee has been one of the most enjoyable candidates to write about. By staying in the race so long, he’s set himself up to be the frontrunner in 2012, if McCain loses this year.

However, he should be warned that it’s inappropriate for a Baptist preacher and devout moralist like himself to emulate George Brett, who clearly has a fetish for Ben-Gay and flowery aprons.

9:15 P.M.

Sweet Jesus!

It’s been a schizophrenic hour and a half. The race in Texas has been vacillating erratically for the last hour, with the economic fortunes of Politics & Funk swaying back and forth as well. Yes, for lack of a better term, we’ve been day-trading.

Mrs. Clinton has won Ohio and just spoke in Columbus. She wore a vibrant red suit, and apparently she has a new refrain to counter Mr. Obama’s inspirational “Yes, we, can.”

It’s the wildly creative, “Yes, we will.”

Now, with the fluff out of the way, let us get down to the meat of the issue.

Due to its numerous nationwide political connections, Politics & Funk has received exclusive coverage of the Texas caucus process. Yes, that’s right, Texas is holding a caucus in addition to a primary and this, in a nutshell, is what it looks like.

A perfect tableau of liberal Texans. The bearded, white-collared 30 something, crouching in front of a sleek black cowboy, adjacent to a fat, insipid man with a red checkered flannel shirt.

All three look impatient yet calm, in contrast with the woman with the dark curly hair, who is frazzled and desperate in her attempt to vote for Dennis Kucinich.

Tags: Barack Obama, Dennis Kucinich, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Mike Huckabee, Texas

Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

–William Shakespeare

Some have called it Super Tuesday Two, others Super Tuesday Showdown. But regardless of your preferred nomenclature, it’s a mere twelve hours away from arriving on the ornately decorated doorstep of America’s political consciousness.

Tomorrow Senator Clinton and Senator Obama will face off once again, this time in a four-state brawl that has the potential to finally conclude a long and drawn out battle for the Democratic nomination. With Obama the winner of eleven straight primaries–and currently leading Clinton by 156 pledged delegates–many political pundits believe that Mrs. Clinton must win both delegate rich Ohio and Texas to remain in the race.

“She has a shot,” said Democratic strategist James Carville recently, adding that he’s granted Mrs. Clinton’s request to feverously rub his head during the election returns for good luck.

However, others seem much less confident in Hillary’s chances of winning big. Last week, Newsweek columnist Jonathan Alter suggested that Hillary should drop out before the March 4 primaries and endorse Obama.

“Hillary has only one shot—for Obama to trip up so badly that he disqualifies himself, said Alder, adding,”nothing in the last 14 months suggests he will.”

Alder may be right about Mrs. Clinton’s chances. In fact, it appears that even if she does prevail in Texas and Ohio many political pundits and Democratic luminaries will still be clamoring for her to withdraw. Former New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson recently said on CNN that “whoever has the most delegates after Tuesday, a clear lead, should be, in my judgment, the nominee.”

Utilizing the nifty delegate counter provided by Slate.com, I plugged in a Hillary dream scenario for tomorrow night’s results. As you can see, even with the loftiest of estimates, Senator Clinton will pick up only 20 delegates–leaving her 136 behind Mr. Obama.

So, how can Hillary gain ground?

Well, she may be get some unsuspected help from America’s favorite rabid, pill-popping, avuncular, right-wing radio host, Rush Limbaugh. On his show this afternoon, Limbaugh urged his supporters to vote for Clinton in tomorrow’s primary, stating that “[Republicans] need Barack Obama bloodied up politically.” However, for all of Rush’s delightful charisma, it’s unlikely that many conservatives will actually be able to stomach pulling the lever for Mrs. Clinton once they’re inside the voting booth.

My prediction is that Mrs. Clinton will win narrowly in Ohio and decisively in Rhode Island, while Senator Obama will barely win Texas and easily win Vermont. In any scenario in which Mrs. Clinton wins fewer pledged delegates than Obama overall, she’ll likely drop out. But if she pulls out both Texas and Ohio and ends up on the plus side for Tuesday–even if it’s just by a modicum– I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Democratic race last through April and until June.

And to be honest, I’m kind of excited for that.

Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Richardson, Hillary Clinton, James Carville, Rush Limbaugh

When great changes occur in history, when great principles are involved, as a rule the majority are wrong. The minority are right.

–Eugene Debs

Five times, Eugene Debs ran for president, including once while imprisoned for violating the Espionage Act by criticizing U.S. involvement in World War I. Five times he lost badly, never winning more than 6 percent of the vote. Yet, despite his lack of success, he continued to run, and run, and run.

What makes a man spit in the face of conventional knowledge, shake off the guarantee of sure defeat, and toss his hat into the presidential ring over and over again?

On CNN on Tuesday night, news anchor Anderson Cooper posed that question to perennial presidential candidate Ralph Nader, who had just announced his fifth run for president.

Cooper: Do you worry that your reputation will be tainted? I mean, all the things you have accomplished thus far, will people just see this as some farcical and narcissistic run?

Nader: I’m a fighter for justice, Anderson. When there’s perennial injustice you have got to keep going after it.

Nader, who turned seventy-four yesterday, is best known for his exhaustive accomplishments in areas of environmental preservation, auto safety, and corporate regulation. His early clashes with the automobile industry were integral in the passage of the 1966 National Traffic and Motor Vehicle Safety Act, which mandated a series of safety features that were previously not included in cars. His actions drew such ire from GM that they hired call girls to seduce him and detectives to dig up dirt on him. As a result, Nader successfully sued them for $425,000 for invasion of privacy.

He used the money to found the first of hundreds of nationwide Public Interest Research Groups (PIRGS). Composed of college-aged staff and volunteers, these grassroots organizations–often referred to as Naders’s raiders–joined with Nader to champion government reforms such as the Freedom of Information Act, the Clean Air Act, the Environmental Protection Agency and the Consumer Protection Agency.

Mr. Nader is also the direct cause of a significant piece of airline reform that affects all of us. Bumped from an overbooked Allegheny Airlines flight in 1972, he successfully sued the airline for $50,000. As a result, airlines were forced to compensate individuals they bumped from flights.

But despite the fact that he’s accumulated a progressive legislative record more formidable than Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama combined, Mr. Nader has become the whipping boy of the liberal intelligentsia as of late.

Earlier this week, Democrats across the country frowned menacingly at Nader’s announcement that he’d be running again. They cursed him, they mocked him, and they whispered his name like it was a rare form of cancer while balling up their fists and hissing.

The liberal media were angry as well:

[Nader] remains as obstinate, prickly, and egotistical as ever,” said the New Jersey Star-Ledger.

“Nader: Unsafe at Any Age,” headlined the Louisville Courier-Journal.

Current Democratic candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama also reacted hostilely to Nader’s announcement. Mrs. Clinton stated that Nader is “responsible” for George Bush, while Obama alleged that Nader “doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” In addition, an article at Politico.com reported that Democrats had already committed to preventing Nader for accumulating votes by “working behind the scenes and using court challenges.” These are the same tactics that the Democrats utilized in 2004 and that are currently the target of a lawsuit by Nader—who alleges the Democrats abused the court system in 2004 by filing frivolous lawsuits to keep him off the ballot.

The Democrats main irritation involving Nader is their belief that he’s responsible for George Bush’s victory in 2000, and has the potential to swing the 2008 election to the GOP as well. The sheer math of the 2000 election returns seem to validate their concern. Nader won over 96,000 votes in Florida in 2000, while Gore lost by only 542 votes to Bush. Since a higher percentage of Nader voters would have gravitated to Gore than Bush, many Democrats find it appropriate to scapegoat Nader for Bush’s victory.

This may be a convenient line of reasoning, but it’s not a sensible one.

There were myriad ways that the Gore could have triumphed in 2000. He could have won his home state of Tennessee, he could have captured the close race in New Hampshire, or he could have done a better job of winning the Democratic vote in Florida, just to name a few. Twelve percent of Florida Democrats voted for Bush, and if even 1% of them had voted for Gore, he would have won. It makes just as much sense to blame those voters, to blame Gore, or to blame the DNC, than to blame Mr. Nader.

In fact, blaming Nader for Gore’s 2000 loss is the equivalent of blaming a slow elevator for getting to work a minute late. Sure, the elevator seems like a convenient excuse, as it’s an easy scapegoat. But, if you had set your alarm earlier, not hit the snooze ten times, forgone flossing your teeth, jogged out the door, run a red light, found a found a better parking spot, or taken the stairs you probably would have arrived on time.

Many also feel Nader’s run to be unjustified because they assume he’s just a slightly liberal version of the Democrats, which is about as sensible as saying the Democrats are just a slightly more liberal version of Mr. McCain.

Mr. Nader holds distinctly different opinions than Mr. Obama and Mrs. Clinton. He would create a true single-payer healthcare system, which neither Democrat will pursue. He would drastically cut the defense budget, which they will continue to fund at equal levels, and he would aggressively pursue environmental and corporate regulation to a degree much higher than either Democratic candidate desires.

Lastly, he would force the issue of third party ballot access, while the Democrats have and will continue to fight tooth and nail to prevent Americans from having the chance to vote for Mr. Nader or any other candidate that threatens their “liberal sovereignty.”

In 2004, Nader met with Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry, who wanted to work to win the support of Nader and his voters. Nader provided over 20 pages of issues ranging from environmental protections, labor, healthcare and tax reform to Kerry. He told Kerry that if he highlighted three of these issues in his campaign he would refrain from running. Kerry failed to act, and later lost to George Bush.

If the Democrats continue to obfuscate democracy and scapegoat Mr. Nader for his desire to make the political process a more diverse one, they deserve the same fate in 2008.

DIGG THIS ARTICLE HERE

Tags: Al Gore, Eugene Debs, George Bush, Ralph Nader

In a recent O’Reilly Factor segment, Bill appeared to loose all touch with reality and political taste when he compared liberal blogger Ariana Huffington of the Huffington Post to both the KKK and the Nazis within 15 seconds. The irony is that Mr. O’ Reilly was attempting to excoriate Huffington for allowing her users to make distasteful comments about Nancy Reagan. He also started the segment by promising that he wouldn’t call Mrs. Huffington any names, after which he immediately called her website a “sewer.” Even Mary Katherine Ham, a conservative columnist who was participating in the segment, expressed her shock at the analogy.

However, the most revealing part of the clip may not be Mr. O’Reilly’s delusional rhetoric, but what appears to be a slip into some sort of psychosis at the end of the segment.

“It’s her, it’s her, it’s her, it’s Huffington, it’s her, she did it,” O’ Reilly barks while pointing his figure at the screen.

Tags: Ariana Huffington, Bill O Reilly, KKK, Nazi's