Politics & Funk

Meet Sally Kern.

Mrs. Kern is a former Oklahoma City social studies teacher and currently represents Oklahoma City in the state legislature. At a recent Republican club meeting, she unleashed a homophobic tantrum that was captured on tape.

During her tirade, Kern accused “Gays of infiltrating our city councils,” and attempting to “indoctrinate students as young as two years old with the homosexual agenda.” She went on to call homosexuality a “deadly cancer,” and declare that “the homosexual agenda is destroying this nation,” and “is the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism.”

Lastly, she reminded attendees that “studies show that no society that has totally embraced homosexuality has lasted more than two decades. ”

I’d really like to get my hands on that study.

Although we question Mrs. Kern’s research skills, Politics & Funk agrees that the gay agenda is a ruthless one.

In fact, every day the lesbians down the street from our office use aggressive tactics such as blaring Ani Difranco and refusing to sleep with men in order to further subjugate our editorial staff. They’ve stated that their vicious, gay jihad won’t end until we make a minimum of three Elton John playlists, or start dressing more appropriately.

For more on the Mrs. Kern’s anti-gay crusade, check out the video below and marvel at her psychosis and sweet, country drawl.

“Listen, I’m a fucking steamroller and I’ll roll over you and anybody else,” New York Governor Elliot Spitzer angrily yelled at New York Assembly Minority Leader James Tedisco (R-Schenectaday) outside the state capitol in early February. The crusading ex- prosecutor, known for his ruthless attacks on Wall Street corruption, price fixing, and insurance fraud, had a 30% approval rate at the time and was in the midst of a rough first term as Governor.

He’s likely dreaming for such difficulties right now.

Spitzer was named today as a client of the Emperor’s Club, a high-end prostitution ring that charged clients up to $5,000 per hour. According to the complaint, Spitzer retained the services of a prostitute while visiting Washington D.C. on the eve of Valentines day 2008. The next day he testified at a House Financial Services Committee hearing in D.C.

Because Spitzer actively coordinated the transportation of the prostitute across state lines–from New York to D.C.–he could potentially be tried under the Mann Act, a federal law that makes “transporting a female across state lines for ‘immoral’ purposes punishable by up to twenty years in prison.”

Want a sweetener?

Mr. Spitzer twice prosecuted prostitution rings while employed as Attorney General.

I think Keith Oblermann put things best when he declared the Governor’s downfall to be “a small scale Shakespearian tragedy.”

7:15 P.M.

“Months ago he was carrying his own suitcase,” says Anderson Cooper about John McCain, who has just completed a storybook comeback by officially winning the Republican nomination. Meanwhile, Senator Obama has won Vermont and is leading in Texas, while Senator Clinton has captured Rhode Island and is ahead in Ohio.

The editorial staff at Politics & Funk is in the midst of nailing the political futures market. As you can see, we’ve got quite a full profile.

The word on the street is Huckabee is officially dropping out. Probably a good time for it, considering that McCain has now won the nomination. We’ll be back with more in a bit.

7:35 P.M.

Mike Huckabee has just given his last speech as a candidate for President. It began with an extended anecdote about Hall of Fame third-baseman George Brett. It ended with a lengthy quote about the Alamo. For all his peculiarities, Huckabee has been one of the most enjoyable candidates to write about. By staying in the race so long, he’s set himself up to be the frontrunner in 2012, if McCain loses this year.

However, he should be warned that it’s inappropriate for a Baptist preacher and devout moralist like himself to emulate George Brett, who clearly has a fetish for Ben-Gay and flowery aprons.

9:15 P.M.

Sweet Jesus!

It’s been a schizophrenic hour and a half. The race in Texas has been vacillating erratically for the last hour, with the economic fortunes of Politics & Funk swaying back and forth as well. Yes, for lack of a better term, we’ve been day-trading.

Mrs. Clinton has won Ohio and just spoke in Columbus. She wore a vibrant red suit, and apparently she has a new refrain to counter Mr. Obama’s inspirational “Yes, we, can.”

It’s the wildly creative, “Yes, we will.”

Now, with the fluff out of the way, let us get down to the meat of the issue.

Due to its numerous nationwide political connections, Politics & Funk has received exclusive coverage of the Texas caucus process. Yes, that’s right, Texas is holding a caucus in addition to a primary and this, in a nutshell, is what it looks like.

A perfect tableau of liberal Texans. The bearded, white-collared 30 something, crouching in front of a sleek black cowboy, adjacent to a fat, insipid man with a red checkered flannel shirt.

All three look impatient yet calm, in contrast with the woman with the dark curly hair, who is frazzled and desperate in her attempt to vote for Dennis Kucinich.

Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

–William Shakespeare

Some have called it Super Tuesday Two, others Super Tuesday Showdown. But regardless of your preferred nomenclature, it’s a mere twelve hours away from arriving on the ornately decorated doorstep of America’s political consciousness.

Tomorrow Senator Clinton and Senator Obama will face off once again, this time in a four-state brawl that has the potential to finally conclude a long and drawn out battle for the Democratic nomination. With Obama the winner of eleven straight primaries–and currently leading Clinton by 156 pledged delegates–many political pundits believe that Mrs. Clinton must win both delegate rich Ohio and Texas to remain in the race.

“She has a shot,” said Democratic strategist James Carville recently, adding that he’s granted Mrs. Clinton’s request to feverously rub his head during the election returns for good luck.

However, others seem much less confident in Hillary’s chances of winning big. Last week, Newsweek columnist Jonathan Alter suggested that Hillary should drop out before the March 4 primaries and endorse Obama.

“Hillary has only one shot—for Obama to trip up so badly that he disqualifies himself, said Alder, adding,”nothing in the last 14 months suggests he will.”

Alder may be right about Mrs. Clinton’s chances. In fact, it appears that even if she does prevail in Texas and Ohio many political pundits and Democratic luminaries will still be clamoring for her to withdraw. Former New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson recently said on CNN that “whoever has the most delegates after Tuesday, a clear lead, should be, in my judgment, the nominee.”

Utilizing the nifty delegate counter provided by Slate.com, I plugged in a Hillary dream scenario for tomorrow night’s results. As you can see, even with the loftiest of estimates, Senator Clinton will pick up only 20 delegates–leaving her 136 behind Mr. Obama.

So, how can Hillary gain ground?

Well, she may be get some unsuspected help from America’s favorite rabid, pill-popping, avuncular, right-wing radio host, Rush Limbaugh. On his show this afternoon, Limbaugh urged his supporters to vote for Clinton in tomorrow’s primary, stating that “[Republicans] need Barack Obama bloodied up politically.” However, for all of Rush’s delightful charisma, it’s unlikely that many conservatives will actually be able to stomach pulling the lever for Mrs. Clinton once they’re inside the voting booth.

My prediction is that Mrs. Clinton will win narrowly in Ohio and decisively in Rhode Island, while Senator Obama will barely win Texas and easily win Vermont. In any scenario in which Mrs. Clinton wins fewer pledged delegates than Obama overall, she’ll likely drop out. But if she pulls out both Texas and Ohio and ends up on the plus side for Tuesday–even if it’s just by a modicum– I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Democratic race last through April and until June.

And to be honest, I’m kind of excited for that.

When great changes occur in history, when great principles are involved, as a rule the majority are wrong. The minority are right.

–Eugene Debs

Five times, Eugene Debs ran for president, including once while imprisoned for violating the Espionage Act by criticizing U.S. involvement in World War I. Five times he lost badly, never winning more than 6 percent of the vote. Yet, despite his lack of success, he continued to run, and run, and run.

What makes a man spit in the face of conventional knowledge, shake off the guarantee of sure defeat, and toss his hat into the presidential ring over and over again?

On CNN on Tuesday night, news anchor Anderson Cooper posed that question to perennial presidential candidate Ralph Nader, who had just announced his fifth run for president.

Cooper: Do you worry that your reputation will be tainted? I mean, all the things you have accomplished thus far, will people just see this as some farcical and narcissistic run?

Nader: I’m a fighter for justice, Anderson. When there’s perennial injustice you have got to keep going after it.

Nader, who turned seventy-four yesterday, is best known for his exhaustive accomplishments in areas of environmental preservation, auto safety, and corporate regulation. His early clashes with the automobile industry were integral in the passage of the 1966 National Traffic and Motor Vehicle Safety Act, which mandated a series of safety features that were previously not included in cars. His actions drew such ire from GM that they hired call girls to seduce him and detectives to dig up dirt on him. As a result, Nader successfully sued them for $425,000 for invasion of privacy.

He used the money to found the first of hundreds of nationwide Public Interest Research Groups (PIRGS). Composed of college-aged staff and volunteers, these grassroots organizations–often referred to as Naders’s raiders–joined with Nader to champion government reforms such as the Freedom of Information Act, the Clean Air Act, the Environmental Protection Agency and the Consumer Protection Agency.

Mr. Nader is also the direct cause of a significant piece of airline reform that affects all of us. Bumped from an overbooked Allegheny Airlines flight in 1972, he successfully sued the airline for $50,000. As a result, airlines were forced to compensate individuals they bumped from flights.

But despite the fact that he’s accumulated a progressive legislative record more formidable than Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama combined, Mr. Nader has become the whipping boy of the liberal intelligentsia as of late.

Earlier this week, Democrats across the country frowned menacingly at Nader’s announcement that he’d be running again. They cursed him, they mocked him, and they whispered his name like it was a rare form of cancer while balling up their fists and hissing.

The liberal media were angry as well:

[Nader] remains as obstinate, prickly, and egotistical as ever,” said the New Jersey Star-Ledger.

“Nader: Unsafe at Any Age,” headlined the Louisville Courier-Journal.

Current Democratic candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama also reacted hostilely to Nader’s announcement. Mrs. Clinton stated that Nader is “responsible” for George Bush, while Obama alleged that Nader “doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” In addition, an article at Politico.com reported that Democrats had already committed to preventing Nader for accumulating votes by “working behind the scenes and using court challenges.” These are the same tactics that the Democrats utilized in 2004 and that are currently the target of a lawsuit by Nader—who alleges the Democrats abused the court system in 2004 by filing frivolous lawsuits to keep him off the ballot.

The Democrats main irritation involving Nader is their belief that he’s responsible for George Bush’s victory in 2000, and has the potential to swing the 2008 election to the GOP as well. The sheer math of the 2000 election returns seem to validate their concern. Nader won over 96,000 votes in Florida in 2000, while Gore lost by only 542 votes to Bush. Since a higher percentage of Nader voters would have gravitated to Gore than Bush, many Democrats find it appropriate to scapegoat Nader for Bush’s victory.

This may be a convenient line of reasoning, but it’s not a sensible one.

There were myriad ways that the Gore could have triumphed in 2000. He could have won his home state of Tennessee, he could have captured the close race in New Hampshire, or he could have done a better job of winning the Democratic vote in Florida, just to name a few. Twelve percent of Florida Democrats voted for Bush, and if even 1% of them had voted for Gore, he would have won. It makes just as much sense to blame those voters, to blame Gore, or to blame the DNC, than to blame Mr. Nader.

In fact, blaming Nader for Gore’s 2000 loss is the equivalent of blaming a slow elevator for getting to work a minute late. Sure, the elevator seems like a convenient excuse, as it’s an easy scapegoat. But, if you had set your alarm earlier, not hit the snooze ten times, forgone flossing your teeth, jogged out the door, run a red light, found a found a better parking spot, or taken the stairs you probably would have arrived on time.

Many also feel Nader’s run to be unjustified because they assume he’s just a slightly liberal version of the Democrats, which is about as sensible as saying the Democrats are just a slightly more liberal version of Mr. McCain.

Mr. Nader holds distinctly different opinions than Mr. Obama and Mrs. Clinton. He would create a true single-payer healthcare system, which neither Democrat will pursue. He would drastically cut the defense budget, which they will continue to fund at equal levels, and he would aggressively pursue environmental and corporate regulation to a degree much higher than either Democratic candidate desires.

Lastly, he would force the issue of third party ballot access, while the Democrats have and will continue to fight tooth and nail to prevent Americans from having the chance to vote for Mr. Nader or any other candidate that threatens their “liberal sovereignty.”

In 2004, Nader met with Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry, who wanted to work to win the support of Nader and his voters. Nader provided over 20 pages of issues ranging from environmental protections, labor, healthcare and tax reform to Kerry. He told Kerry that if he highlighted three of these issues in his campaign he would refrain from running. Kerry failed to act, and later lost to George Bush.

If the Democrats continue to obfuscate democracy and scapegoat Mr. Nader for his desire to make the political process a more diverse one, they deserve the same fate in 2008.

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In a recent O’Reilly Factor segment, Bill appeared to loose all touch with reality and political taste when he compared liberal blogger Ariana Huffington of the Huffington Post to both the KKK and the Nazis within 15 seconds. The irony is that Mr. O’ Reilly was attempting to excoriate Huffington for allowing her users to make distasteful comments about Nancy Reagan. He also started the segment by promising that he wouldn’t call Mrs. Huffington any names, after which he immediately called her website a “sewer.” Even Mary Katherine Ham, a conservative columnist who was participating in the segment, expressed her shock at the analogy.

However, the most revealing part of the clip may not be Mr. O’Reilly’s delusional rhetoric, but what appears to be a slip into some sort of psychosis at the end of the segment.

“It’s her, it’s her, it’s her, it’s Huffington, it’s her, she did it,” O’ Reilly barks while pointing his figure at the screen.

Who is Kirk Watson?

He’s just an archetypal Texas politician with a sweet, southern drawl. Unfortunately, on Tuesday, he found himself at the mercy of MSNBC anchorman and resident interrogator Chris Matthews. Watson, who currently serves in the Texas state senate, was called upon to articulate his support for Senator Barack Obama. Instead, he ended up on the wrong side of Matthew’s brutal, rhetorical assault.

7:38 P.M.

Hillary Clinton is still speaking, but suddenly all the major networks switch over to Mr. Obama. It’s his 10th victory in a row. He’s closing in on the nomination quickly. Soon, it will be time to pay back favors to those who have so graciously assisted in his pursuit.

“Y’all know how to do it in Texas,” Obama says, speaking to a crowd of 20,000 in Houston after officially winning the Democratic primary in Wisconsin. He goes on to promise all Americans everything in the entire world. Specifically, he promises me a MoeJoe bowl from Tokyo Joe’s.

“We invest in you, you invest in America,” he tells me, adding that we’re currently spending 9 billion dollars a month in Iraq.

“How about that MoeJoe bowl,” I demand.

“Hold on you cranky bastard,” he admonishes.

“I want to end a politics based on fear. We should never negotiate out of fear, but we should never fear to negotiate,” he declares boldly, quoting JFK.

“I will close Guantanamo, end torture, and restore Habeas Corpus,” he proclaims.

“Buy me a fucking MoeJoe Bowl,” I scream.

“I’m eating my own stomach. I need the nourishment of grilled chicken, pineapple, egg, carrots, sweet onions, red peppers, and a sweet and spicy sauce. How do you expect me to blog while I’m grazing on the shavings of a two-week old king cake?”

“I know how easy it is [for politicians] to turn us on each other. To use immigrants and gays and people who aren’t like us as scapegoats for what they do,” Obama retorts.

“Oh my god! This is supposed to be a victory speech. This is not supposed to last any longer than twenty minutes. Please, just evoke “change” seventeen more times, remind people how you’re not a Washington insider, give McCain a quick jab, and get me the delectable MoJoe Bowl you promised.”

“The people in Washington want to boil the hope out of me, stew me for a bit.”

I sense that I am losing consciousness. I need serious help. Maybe, I shouldn’t have put all my desires and dreams into a candidate full of “empty rhetoric.” Maybe, my hope is false, and my MoeJoe bowl will never arrive.

Maybe, I should have called John McCain instead.

But wait, just as I’m losing all optimism there’s a knock on my door.

“Oh hell yeah dog, I knew you’d make it,” I shout, as Barry strides in smooth as ever with Tokyo Joe’s in hand.

“Thanks bro, could I ask you for one more favor,” I inquire.

“Sure, anything for you man. You know Politics & Funk is my favorite blog. That shit is hilarious. I read it all the time,” he says, handing me the MoeJoe bowl.”

“Could you have Rachael Maddow feed it to me while explaining exit polls and batting her eyelashes?” I ask.

“Nope, you have to be a super delegate to get that sort of treatment,” he laughs.

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One of the most rewarding aspects of watching hour upon hour of electoral primary coverage is that you can switch back and forth between other stations without missing a beat. So, if perhaps you’d like to juxtapose the endearing political commentary of Patrick J. Buchanan with the final scene of the Matrix, well, you totally can, bro!

“My name isn’t Mr. Anderson, it’s Neo,” declares Keanu Reeves, before he saves the day.

Cue some steamy kissing with Trinity, fire up “Wake Up” by Rage Against the Machine, and call it a night.

Yes, Obama has won eight states in a row and taken the delegate lead, and John McCain sealed the deal tonight with three victories of his own, but I’m not really interested in them at the moment.

Instead, I’m wondering which one of these divine creatures make me more inclined to question my own reality.

I think it’s a toss up.

“I didn’t major in math. I majored in miracles, and I still believe in them too.”

–Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee

The train ride north towards Denver is about as insipid as it gets. Sure, there are snow-covered mountains looming outside of the west window, but they’re no more interesting than potholes after you’ve seen them a thousand times before. The view to the east is I-25, a slog of traffic weaving its way away from work. The same people, driving the same stretch of interstate, in the same state of abject misery over and over again.

The commute, a form of purgatory that’s uniquely American, and more ingrained in our collective consciousness after each passing day. Men and women sitting stagnant in their cars, hands gripped tightly on the wheel and knuckles gently rapping the horn—eager to blurt out a war cry at the first signs of transit misconduct.

“You motherfucker, go ahead, change into my lane, I dare you. I’ll honk and bleat and toot my little horn until I’m blue in the face, until I finally feel a bit better, until I finally feel whole.”

It’s pure masochism, day in and day out on I-25, and it’s not a damn bit of fun to watch after you’ve seen it over and over again. But last Friday, while I was dourly reflecting on the daily horror show from the warmth of the train, something was drastically altering it.

According to the Denver Post, at approximately 3 p.m on February 7th, a water main burst beneath I-25, shooting out over 2 million gallons. Within minutes the road caved in, leaving a 16 foot deep 40 by 40 sinkhole in its place.

“This is the big one,” said CDOT spokeswoman Stacy Stegman, remarking at the vastness of the watery cave.

However, shockingly, no Denverites were injured, and only one local business was damaged.

Why?

Why, in the middle of another humdrum February day, does the ground suddenly decide to open up?

And how is it that on a four-lane interstate, full of drivers, that not a single car happens to be driving over the water main when it explodes?

Personally, I don’t have any idea, but if there’s anyone adept enough to explain such a phenomenon it’s likely America’s new favorite southern politician, the avuncular ex-Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee.

Huckabee, who last week was considered to be nothing more than the last stepping stone for Senator John McCain’s inevitable nomination, shocked the McCain campaign on Saturday by winning two of the three GOP primary contests held.

In the Republican hotbed of Kansas, he slaughtered McCain, winning all 36 delegates and out polling McCain 60% to 24%. In Louisiana, he barely nudged McCain by 1%. McCain’s only victory came in the Washington state caucus, where he nipped Huckabee by only 200 votes.

Much of Huckabee’s strength derived from the absence of ex-Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, who officially suspended his campaign this Wednesday. Romney and Huckabee were previously splitting the conservative Republican vote, a demographic that has shown itself to be increasingly uncomfortable with a McCain nomination. In particular, conservatives object to McCain’s history of rebuking the party line on issues such as tax cuts, campaign finance reform, and immigration.

In fact, some GOP media elites consider McCain a plague upon the Republican Party. Conservative columnist Anne Coulter recently stated that she would campaign and support Hillary Clinton in a general election against McCain, declaring herself to be “a Hillary girl now.”

Despite the criticism of Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and other conservative talk-show hosts, it appeared that after his dominant performance on Super Tuesday, Mr. McCain would be able to galvanize enough votes to quickly finish Huckabee off. In fact, despite previous wins in Iowa, Tennessee, Alabama, Georgia, West Virginia, and Arkansas, Huckabee was still 600 delegates behind McCain—close to a mathematical impossibility to ever catch up. At Intrade.com, a marketplace on which presidential futures are bought and sold, Huckabee’s GOP nomination future was trading between 1.2 and 1.5—on average a 75:1 long shot to become the nominee.

But on Saturday, it became apparent that Republican Party regulars were just as uncomfortable with McCain as conservative talk show hosts were. McCain’s massive loss in Kansas was not only a repudiation of his candidacy, but seemingly a protest vote, which, translated, probably went something like this:

“We don’t give a damn if Mike Huckabee doesn’t have a chance in hell. We’d much rather vote for a God fearing Christian who tells great anecdotes about NASCAR and Jesus then support a ‘liberal’ who thinks that just because he spent five years in a Vietnamese prison camp getting the shit kicked out of him, he can tell our CIA that there’s something wrong with pouring water down the lungs of those camel-fuckers in the Middle East.”

So they did.

The irony is that Huckabee doesn’t share nearly the bad blood for McCain that his supporters do. In fact, many believe that the continuation of his candidacy is simply an effort to get himself on McCain’s ticket as VP—a move that might benefit McCain as he tries to win the support of conservatives and evangelicals. However, if McCain has Huckabee on his short list, the time to cut a deal is coming soon.

Although Huckabee has no real chance of overtaking McCain for the nomination, his victories inflame and inspire the protests of McCain’s critics. They also continue to weaken McCain’s chances in a general election.

For McCain, his saving grace may be this Tuesday’s primaries in Washington, D.C, Virginia, and Maryland. He is a prohibitive favorite in all three races, leading Huckabee by a vote margin of close to two to one in Virginia.

However, for Huckabee, the mathematics of politics is of little to no concern.

“As we all know, a candidate can say one word, do one thing, have one particular moment that can end his whole career, so I’m not saying I’m just driving behind him at the NASCAR race waiting for him to lose a tire, but crazier things have happened. So, the crazy thing for me would be to pull off in the pit crew, get out the car and go take a shower and say, ‘It’s over.’ And then him lose a tire and I’ve lost the race, not because I couldn’t win, but because I wouldn’t stay in the game and finish.”

If McCain does go spinning out of control, Mr. Huckabee will likely have no problem avoiding the wreckage as he skips his way to the finish line.

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