Politics & Funk

When great changes occur in history, when great principles are involved, as a rule the majority are wrong. The minority are right.

–Eugene Debs

Five times, Eugene Debs ran for president, including once while imprisoned for violating the Espionage Act by criticizing U.S. involvement in World War I. Five times he lost badly, never winning more than 6 percent of the vote. Yet, despite his lack of success, he continued to run, and run, and run.

What makes a man spit in the face of conventional knowledge, shake off the guarantee of sure defeat, and toss his hat into the presidential ring over and over again?

On CNN on Tuesday night, news anchor Anderson Cooper posed that question to perennial presidential candidate Ralph Nader, who had just announced his fifth run for president.

Cooper: Do you worry that your reputation will be tainted? I mean, all the things you have accomplished thus far, will people just see this as some farcical and narcissistic run?

Nader: I’m a fighter for justice, Anderson. When there’s perennial injustice you have got to keep going after it.

Nader, who turned seventy-four yesterday, is best known for his exhaustive accomplishments in areas of environmental preservation, auto safety, and corporate regulation. His early clashes with the automobile industry were integral in the passage of the 1966 National Traffic and Motor Vehicle Safety Act, which mandated a series of safety features that were previously not included in cars. His actions drew such ire from GM that they hired call girls to seduce him and detectives to dig up dirt on him. As a result, Nader successfully sued them for $425,000 for invasion of privacy.

He used the money to found the first of hundreds of nationwide Public Interest Research Groups (PIRGS). Composed of college-aged staff and volunteers, these grassroots organizations–often referred to as Naders’s raiders–joined with Nader to champion government reforms such as the Freedom of Information Act, the Clean Air Act, the Environmental Protection Agency and the Consumer Protection Agency.

Mr. Nader is also the direct cause of a significant piece of airline reform that affects all of us. Bumped from an overbooked Allegheny Airlines flight in 1972, he successfully sued the airline for $50,000. As a result, airlines were forced to compensate individuals they bumped from flights.

But despite the fact that he’s accumulated a progressive legislative record more formidable than Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama combined, Mr. Nader has become the whipping boy of the liberal intelligentsia as of late.

Earlier this week, Democrats across the country frowned menacingly at Nader’s announcement that he’d be running again. They cursed him, they mocked him, and they whispered his name like it was a rare form of cancer while balling up their fists and hissing.

The liberal media were angry as well:

[Nader] remains as obstinate, prickly, and egotistical as ever,” said the New Jersey Star-Ledger.

“Nader: Unsafe at Any Age,” headlined the Louisville Courier-Journal.

Current Democratic candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama also reacted hostilely to Nader’s announcement. Mrs. Clinton stated that Nader is “responsible” for George Bush, while Obama alleged that Nader “doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” In addition, an article at Politico.com reported that Democrats had already committed to preventing Nader for accumulating votes by “working behind the scenes and using court challenges.” These are the same tactics that the Democrats utilized in 2004 and that are currently the target of a lawsuit by Nader—who alleges the Democrats abused the court system in 2004 by filing frivolous lawsuits to keep him off the ballot.

The Democrats main irritation involving Nader is their belief that he’s responsible for George Bush’s victory in 2000, and has the potential to swing the 2008 election to the GOP as well. The sheer math of the 2000 election returns seem to validate their concern. Nader won over 96,000 votes in Florida in 2000, while Gore lost by only 542 votes to Bush. Since a higher percentage of Nader voters would have gravitated to Gore than Bush, many Democrats find it appropriate to scapegoat Nader for Bush’s victory.

This may be a convenient line of reasoning, but it’s not a sensible one.

There were myriad ways that the Gore could have triumphed in 2000. He could have won his home state of Tennessee, he could have captured the close race in New Hampshire, or he could have done a better job of winning the Democratic vote in Florida, just to name a few. Twelve percent of Florida Democrats voted for Bush, and if even 1% of them had voted for Gore, he would have won. It makes just as much sense to blame those voters, to blame Gore, or to blame the DNC, than to blame Mr. Nader.

In fact, blaming Nader for Gore’s 2000 loss is the equivalent of blaming a slow elevator for getting to work a minute late. Sure, the elevator seems like a convenient excuse, as it’s an easy scapegoat. But, if you had set your alarm earlier, not hit the snooze ten times, forgone flossing your teeth, jogged out the door, run a red light, found a found a better parking spot, or taken the stairs you probably would have arrived on time.

Many also feel Nader’s run to be unjustified because they assume he’s just a slightly liberal version of the Democrats, which is about as sensible as saying the Democrats are just a slightly more liberal version of Mr. McCain.

Mr. Nader holds distinctly different opinions than Mr. Obama and Mrs. Clinton. He would create a true single-payer healthcare system, which neither Democrat will pursue. He would drastically cut the defense budget, which they will continue to fund at equal levels, and he would aggressively pursue environmental and corporate regulation to a degree much higher than either Democratic candidate desires.

Lastly, he would force the issue of third party ballot access, while the Democrats have and will continue to fight tooth and nail to prevent Americans from having the chance to vote for Mr. Nader or any other candidate that threatens their “liberal sovereignty.”

In 2004, Nader met with Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry, who wanted to work to win the support of Nader and his voters. Nader provided over 20 pages of issues ranging from environmental protections, labor, healthcare and tax reform to Kerry. He told Kerry that if he highlighted three of these issues in his campaign he would refrain from running. Kerry failed to act, and later lost to George Bush.

If the Democrats continue to obfuscate democracy and scapegoat Mr. Nader for his desire to make the political process a more diverse one, they deserve the same fate in 2008.

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In a recent O’Reilly Factor segment, Bill appeared to loose all touch with reality and political taste when he compared liberal blogger Ariana Huffington of the Huffington Post to both the KKK and the Nazis within 15 seconds. The irony is that Mr. O’ Reilly was attempting to excoriate Huffington for allowing her users to make distasteful comments about Nancy Reagan. He also started the segment by promising that he wouldn’t call Mrs. Huffington any names, after which he immediately called her website a “sewer.” Even Mary Katherine Ham, a conservative columnist who was participating in the segment, expressed her shock at the analogy.

However, the most revealing part of the clip may not be Mr. O’Reilly’s delusional rhetoric, but what appears to be a slip into some sort of psychosis at the end of the segment.

“It’s her, it’s her, it’s her, it’s Huffington, it’s her, she did it,” O’ Reilly barks while pointing his figure at the screen.

Who is Kirk Watson?

He’s just an archetypal Texas politician with a sweet, southern drawl. Unfortunately, on Tuesday, he found himself at the mercy of MSNBC anchorman and resident interrogator Chris Matthews. Watson, who currently serves in the Texas state senate, was called upon to articulate his support for Senator Barack Obama. Instead, he ended up on the wrong side of Matthew’s brutal, rhetorical assault.

7:38 P.M.

Hillary Clinton is still speaking, but suddenly all the major networks switch over to Mr. Obama. It’s his 10th victory in a row. He’s closing in on the nomination quickly. Soon, it will be time to pay back favors to those who have so graciously assisted in his pursuit.

“Y’all know how to do it in Texas,” Obama says, speaking to a crowd of 20,000 in Houston after officially winning the Democratic primary in Wisconsin. He goes on to promise all Americans everything in the entire world. Specifically, he promises me a MoeJoe bowl from Tokyo Joe’s.

“We invest in you, you invest in America,” he tells me, adding that we’re currently spending 9 billion dollars a month in Iraq.

“How about that MoeJoe bowl,” I demand.

“Hold on you cranky bastard,” he admonishes.

“I want to end a politics based on fear. We should never negotiate out of fear, but we should never fear to negotiate,” he declares boldly, quoting JFK.

“I will close Guantanamo, end torture, and restore Habeas Corpus,” he proclaims.

“Buy me a fucking MoeJoe Bowl,” I scream.

“I’m eating my own stomach. I need the nourishment of grilled chicken, pineapple, egg, carrots, sweet onions, red peppers, and a sweet and spicy sauce. How do you expect me to blog while I’m grazing on the shavings of a two-week old king cake?”

“I know how easy it is [for politicians] to turn us on each other. To use immigrants and gays and people who aren’t like us as scapegoats for what they do,” Obama retorts.

“Oh my god! This is supposed to be a victory speech. This is not supposed to last any longer than twenty minutes. Please, just evoke “change” seventeen more times, remind people how you’re not a Washington insider, give McCain a quick jab, and get me the delectable MoJoe Bowl you promised.”

“The people in Washington want to boil the hope out of me, stew me for a bit.”

I sense that I am losing consciousness. I need serious help. Maybe, I shouldn’t have put all my desires and dreams into a candidate full of “empty rhetoric.” Maybe, my hope is false, and my MoeJoe bowl will never arrive.

Maybe, I should have called John McCain instead.

But wait, just as I’m losing all optimism there’s a knock on my door.

“Oh hell yeah dog, I knew you’d make it,” I shout, as Barry strides in smooth as ever with Tokyo Joe’s in hand.

“Thanks bro, could I ask you for one more favor,” I inquire.

“Sure, anything for you man. You know Politics & Funk is my favorite blog. That shit is hilarious. I read it all the time,” he says, handing me the MoeJoe bowl.”

“Could you have Rachael Maddow feed it to me while explaining exit polls and batting her eyelashes?” I ask.

“Nope, you have to be a super delegate to get that sort of treatment,” he laughs.

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One of the most rewarding aspects of watching hour upon hour of electoral primary coverage is that you can switch back and forth between other stations without missing a beat. So, if perhaps you’d like to juxtapose the endearing political commentary of Patrick J. Buchanan with the final scene of the Matrix, well, you totally can, bro!

“My name isn’t Mr. Anderson, it’s Neo,” declares Keanu Reeves, before he saves the day.

Cue some steamy kissing with Trinity, fire up “Wake Up” by Rage Against the Machine, and call it a night.

Yes, Obama has won eight states in a row and taken the delegate lead, and John McCain sealed the deal tonight with three victories of his own, but I’m not really interested in them at the moment.

Instead, I’m wondering which one of these divine creatures make me more inclined to question my own reality.

I think it’s a toss up.

“I didn’t major in math. I majored in miracles, and I still believe in them too.”

–Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee

The train ride north towards Denver is about as insipid as it gets. Sure, there are snow-covered mountains looming outside of the west window, but they’re no more interesting than potholes after you’ve seen them a thousand times before. The view to the east is I-25, a slog of traffic weaving its way away from work. The same people, driving the same stretch of interstate, in the same state of abject misery over and over again.

The commute, a form of purgatory that’s uniquely American, and more ingrained in our collective consciousness after each passing day. Men and women sitting stagnant in their cars, hands gripped tightly on the wheel and knuckles gently rapping the horn—eager to blurt out a war cry at the first signs of transit misconduct.

“You motherfucker, go ahead, change into my lane, I dare you. I’ll honk and bleat and toot my little horn until I’m blue in the face, until I finally feel a bit better, until I finally feel whole.”

It’s pure masochism, day in and day out on I-25, and it’s not a damn bit of fun to watch after you’ve seen it over and over again. But last Friday, while I was dourly reflecting on the daily horror show from the warmth of the train, something was drastically altering it.

According to the Denver Post, at approximately 3 p.m on February 7th, a water main burst beneath I-25, shooting out over 2 million gallons. Within minutes the road caved in, leaving a 16 foot deep 40 by 40 sinkhole in its place.

“This is the big one,” said CDOT spokeswoman Stacy Stegman, remarking at the vastness of the watery cave.

However, shockingly, no Denverites were injured, and only one local business was damaged.

Why?

Why, in the middle of another humdrum February day, does the ground suddenly decide to open up?

And how is it that on a four-lane interstate, full of drivers, that not a single car happens to be driving over the water main when it explodes?

Personally, I don’t have any idea, but if there’s anyone adept enough to explain such a phenomenon it’s likely America’s new favorite southern politician, the avuncular ex-Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee.

Huckabee, who last week was considered to be nothing more than the last stepping stone for Senator John McCain’s inevitable nomination, shocked the McCain campaign on Saturday by winning two of the three GOP primary contests held.

In the Republican hotbed of Kansas, he slaughtered McCain, winning all 36 delegates and out polling McCain 60% to 24%. In Louisiana, he barely nudged McCain by 1%. McCain’s only victory came in the Washington state caucus, where he nipped Huckabee by only 200 votes.

Much of Huckabee’s strength derived from the absence of ex-Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, who officially suspended his campaign this Wednesday. Romney and Huckabee were previously splitting the conservative Republican vote, a demographic that has shown itself to be increasingly uncomfortable with a McCain nomination. In particular, conservatives object to McCain’s history of rebuking the party line on issues such as tax cuts, campaign finance reform, and immigration.

In fact, some GOP media elites consider McCain a plague upon the Republican Party. Conservative columnist Anne Coulter recently stated that she would campaign and support Hillary Clinton in a general election against McCain, declaring herself to be “a Hillary girl now.”

Despite the criticism of Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and other conservative talk-show hosts, it appeared that after his dominant performance on Super Tuesday, Mr. McCain would be able to galvanize enough votes to quickly finish Huckabee off. In fact, despite previous wins in Iowa, Tennessee, Alabama, Georgia, West Virginia, and Arkansas, Huckabee was still 600 delegates behind McCain—close to a mathematical impossibility to ever catch up. At Intrade.com, a marketplace on which presidential futures are bought and sold, Huckabee’s GOP nomination future was trading between 1.2 and 1.5—on average a 75:1 long shot to become the nominee.

But on Saturday, it became apparent that Republican Party regulars were just as uncomfortable with McCain as conservative talk show hosts were. McCain’s massive loss in Kansas was not only a repudiation of his candidacy, but seemingly a protest vote, which, translated, probably went something like this:

“We don’t give a damn if Mike Huckabee doesn’t have a chance in hell. We’d much rather vote for a God fearing Christian who tells great anecdotes about NASCAR and Jesus then support a ‘liberal’ who thinks that just because he spent five years in a Vietnamese prison camp getting the shit kicked out of him, he can tell our CIA that there’s something wrong with pouring water down the lungs of those camel-fuckers in the Middle East.”

So they did.

The irony is that Huckabee doesn’t share nearly the bad blood for McCain that his supporters do. In fact, many believe that the continuation of his candidacy is simply an effort to get himself on McCain’s ticket as VP—a move that might benefit McCain as he tries to win the support of conservatives and evangelicals. However, if McCain has Huckabee on his short list, the time to cut a deal is coming soon.

Although Huckabee has no real chance of overtaking McCain for the nomination, his victories inflame and inspire the protests of McCain’s critics. They also continue to weaken McCain’s chances in a general election.

For McCain, his saving grace may be this Tuesday’s primaries in Washington, D.C, Virginia, and Maryland. He is a prohibitive favorite in all three races, leading Huckabee by a vote margin of close to two to one in Virginia.

However, for Huckabee, the mathematics of politics is of little to no concern.

“As we all know, a candidate can say one word, do one thing, have one particular moment that can end his whole career, so I’m not saying I’m just driving behind him at the NASCAR race waiting for him to lose a tire, but crazier things have happened. So, the crazy thing for me would be to pull off in the pit crew, get out the car and go take a shower and say, ‘It’s over.’ And then him lose a tire and I’ve lost the race, not because I couldn’t win, but because I wouldn’t stay in the game and finish.”

If McCain does go spinning out of control, Mr. Huckabee will likely have no problem avoiding the wreckage as he skips his way to the finish line.

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Why settle for claim or win, when you can have them both?

• 

7:45 P.M- Well, here we are in, sandwiched in the midst of the Super Tuesday frenzy. If you’re like me you’re probably sprawled out on the carpet of your living room, wearing a sweaty v-neck and drinking Bud Light. The early news is as expected.

Obama has won Illinois, Alabama, and Georgia, while Hillary has triumphed in New York, New Jersey, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Tennessee, and Massachusetts.

On the Republican side, McCain has taken New York, New Jersey, Delaware, and Illinois, while Mike Huckabee has won West Virginia, Georgia, and Arkansas.

O.K, Keith Olberman has just compared the Republican race to an M.C. Escher painting. I’m going to jump on Intrade and buy more John McCain presidential futures. But, I’ll be back with more of the lowdown in a bit

8:10 P.M- Barack Obama has won Utah, Kansas, and Minnesota. However, the more fascinating development is the emergence of Mike Huckabee, who, in addition to already winning three states, has leads in Missouri and Tennessee. Huckabee’s strong showing is evidence that the GOP is more splintered than every before. What does this mean?

Well, Tom Brokaw has just invoked the name Barry Goldwater. That should be enough information for the time being.

8:40 P.M- Hillary is up on the podium now. She’s wearing a mustard yellow shirt, and she’s gesticulating vigorously. And do you know why she’s so excited?

It’s because she’s won American Samoa, and according to the Columbia Journalism Review, that makes all the difference in the world.

“I won’t let anyone swiftboat this country’s future,” she proclaims.

Nice.

9:05 P.M-“John McCain and I actually believe that politics can be conducted in a gentlemanly, civil way,” Mike Huckabee says, when Chris Matthews asks him if the two are in cahoots. The only clearcut thing about the GOP race is that everyone loathes Romney. In fact, earlier today, the Huckster called Mitt a “whiner,” in response to a similar allegation.

What made Mitt so mad?

Well, apparently McCain supporters in a nominating convention in West Virginia switched their support to Huckabee on the convention’s second ballot.

An obviously dirty move, and an admirable one.

9:35 PM- Apparently, “Mac is Back,” or at least that’s what McCain’s supporters chant as he walks to the podium. Earlier referred to as Lazarus by a commentator, McCain didn’t wrap things up tonight, but he came close. He gives props to Huckabee that seem authentic, and props to Romney that don’t.

Oh, and here is Lazarus’s theme music:

9:55 P.M- Obama is on the podium now. It’s been a long night of punditry, and personally if I listen to anymore political speculation, I might lose my mind. Hillary is winning California. Obama just used the term “super duper Tuesday.” He has begun his refrain of, “Yes, we can.”

Mike Huckabee is a creationist.

He won five different states

In 1999, when I was sixteen years old, I waited in line for forty-five minutes to see Kid Rock play at the UNO Lakefront Area in New Orleans, LA. I had been listening to his album Devil Without a Cause on a daily basis, and felt a particular attachment to the track, “Bullgod,” which was his first single to gain significant radio play. Once my friends and I finally proceeded into the arena, we took seats on the far right next to the two towering speakers. As fate had it, we plopped down adjacent to a group of raucous twenty-one-year-old girls.

“Ask them to buy us daiquiris,” one of my buddies urged.
“What kind should we get?” I responded.
“Get 120 Octane, it’s what my brother always drinks, he says it’s the strongest.”

It was, and by the time Kid Rock came striding out in a leopard skin frock and a top hat, I was drunk.

I don’t remember much of that show, outside of the four gold cages that were suspended from the ceiling and filled with scantily clad dancers. In fact, I’m not even sure if they played “Bullgod,” although I assume they must have. However, I do know that when I woke up the next day—besides being hung-over for geometry—I couldn’t hear anything except for an intolerable ringing in my eardrums.

My deafness didn’t subside for an entire week, during which numerous doctors told me that I might suffer from hearing impairment for life. Ever since that miserable moment, I have strictly adhered to the belief that almost nothing in life is worth waiting in line for.

However, On Tuesday, January 30th, I found myself bobbing up and down for warmth at eight-thirty in the morning along with over 15,000 others, a single speck, in a line that shouted, smiled, and snaked its way across five blocks of the Denver University campus in the hopes of getting a glimpse of presidential candidate Barack Obama. Mr. Obama was just a week off of one of the most impressive conquests of his campaign, a brutal trouncing of Senator Hillary Clinton in South Carolina, in which he defeated the former First Lady by a vote margin of more than two to one. With exactly one week left until the Super Tuesday primaries, he was picking up steam; nevertheless, he was still trailing Mrs. Clinton by eleven points in national presidential polls.

However in Denver on Tuesday, there didn’t seem to be a dour looking face in all the lot, despite the fact that it was 22 degrees and we hadn’t progressed an inch in over an hour. The soccer Mom’s in front of me were well bundled and pre-occupied with chat about the PTA, and behind me sauntered a group of college students ranting about midterms and bemoaning the fact that they hadn’t brought a “J for the line.”

After waiting for an hour and half, I got a call from a friend of mine who was an Obama precinct captain, and through her influence I was allowed to bypass the horde and make it inside. I later learned that if it weren’t for her favor, I would have been consigned to a seat in the lacrosse bleachers, where Mr. Obama spoke briefly to the overflow crowd.

Instead, I waltzed inside, where the energy level was high.

Obama had just recently received the endorsement of Senator Ted Kennedy and Caroline Kennedy, and it was Caroline who introduced him to a monsoon of applause. The support of the daughter and the brother of America’s most iconic president was a boost for the Obama campaign, accentuating Obama’s appeal as an agent of change.

During his speech, Obama hit upon on the usual spectrum of Democratic issues, from providing universal healthcare to withdrawing from Iraq. But while doing so, he chose not to make many ideological distinctions between himself and Mrs. Clinton.

Instead, Senator Obama drew contrast between his character and that of the former First Lady.

Obama furthered paralleled himself to John. F. Kennedy by relaying an exchange that occurred between Kennedy and Harry Truman, when Truman advised Kennedy to put off running for the presidency.

“Harry Truman, urged patience, “ Obama said. “And John Kennedy replied: ‘The world is changing. The old ways will not do. It is time for a new generation of leadership.’”

In a nutshell, this has become Obama’s message and campaign strategy deftly tied into one. He knows he is an inspirational figure with a charismatic, public persona that Mrs. Clinton cannot match, so he flaunts his similarities to political icons of the past whenever possible.

In contrast, Mrs. Clinton’s strategy of questioning Mr. Obama’s experience seems to have lost its sway, especially since Mr. Obama has responded by embracing his lack of Washington credentials and proclaiming them as a virtue.

“Washington wants to boil me, wants to stew the hope out of me,” he often jokes, portraying himself as a crusader aimed at altering a government that has continually failed the American people, a government of greed and “cronyism” to which Mrs. Clinton belongs

Obama also suggests that a Clinton presidency will be a regression to the politics of the past.

“I know it is tempting—after another presidency by a man named George Bush—to simply turn back the clock, and to build a bridge back to the 20th century,” he said in Denver.

It is a classic battle of old guard versus new guard politics, and Obama appears to have finally grown comfortable with his role as populist crusader—and it seems the nation may be growing more comfortable with the idea of him becoming president as well.

Although he still trails Clinton nationally, Obama has made huge strides in many of the key primary states in the last week. According to a Zogby poll released on Sunday, February 3rd, he has opened up a twenty-point lead in Georgia, is neck and neck with Hillary in New Jersey and Missouri, and picked up fifteen percentage points in the last two weeks to take the lead from Mrs. Clinton in California, the biggest prize of all the Super Tuesday states.

It appears that the Clinton dam is on the verge of breaking, but with only one day remaining before the dawn of Super Tuesday, does the Illinois senator have enough time to crash through?

If Mr. Obama takes enough delegates to keep things close after this Tuesday, he may send the Clinton machine spinning into disarray. In fact, the longer the nomination stays unsettled, the more saturated and intrigued America will become with the improbable storyline of a half-black, half-white, junior Senator with a weird name toppling the matron of one of America’s most dominant political sects.

At Denver University on Tuesday, it took Barack Obama fifteen minutes to make it to the podium—the crowd screaming and chanting as he signed autographs and slapped hands. But once he began to orate, there were moments in between the chanting and the applause when all of those in attendance seemed to be gripped in jut-jawed astonishment. It was as if they felt that they were watching something, or someone, who might be on the verge of turning a corner on the American political system, and radically altering the “brand” of politics we can expect for years go come.

Throughout his candidacy, Mr. Obama has evoked comparisons with Dr. Martin Luther King, Abraham Lincoln, and JFK. Personally, after watching him in the flesh, he reminds me of someone else.