Politics & Funk

Meet Sally Kern.

Mrs. Kern is a former Oklahoma City social studies teacher and currently represents Oklahoma City in the state legislature. At a recent Republican club meeting, she unleashed a homophobic tantrum that was captured on tape.

During her tirade, Kern accused “Gays of infiltrating our city councils,” and attempting to “indoctrinate students as young as two years old with the homosexual agenda.” She went on to call homosexuality a “deadly cancer,” and declare that “the homosexual agenda is destroying this nation,” and “is the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism.”

Lastly, she reminded attendees that “studies show that no society that has totally embraced homosexuality has lasted more than two decades. ”

I’d really like to get my hands on that study.

Although we question Mrs. Kern’s research skills, Politics & Funk agrees that the gay agenda is a ruthless one.

In fact, every day the lesbians down the street from our office use aggressive tactics such as blaring Ani Difranco and refusing to sleep with men in order to further subjugate our editorial staff. They’ve stated that their vicious, gay jihad won’t end until we make a minimum of three Elton John playlists, or start dressing more appropriately.

For more on the Mrs. Kern’s anti-gay crusade, check out the video below and marvel at her psychosis and sweet, country drawl.

“Listen, I’m a fucking steamroller and I’ll roll over you and anybody else,” New York Governor Elliot Spitzer angrily yelled at New York Assembly Minority Leader James Tedisco (R-Schenectaday) outside the state capitol in early February. The crusading ex- prosecutor, known for his ruthless attacks on Wall Street corruption, price fixing, and insurance fraud, had a 30% approval rate at the time and was in the midst of a rough first term as Governor.

He’s likely dreaming for such difficulties right now.

Spitzer was named today as a client of the Emperor’s Club, a high-end prostitution ring that charged clients up to $5,000 per hour. According to the complaint, Spitzer retained the services of a prostitute while visiting Washington D.C. on the eve of Valentines day 2008. The next day he testified at a House Financial Services Committee hearing in D.C.

Because Spitzer actively coordinated the transportation of the prostitute across state lines–from New York to D.C.–he could potentially be tried under the Mann Act, a federal law that makes “transporting a female across state lines for ‘immoral’ purposes punishable by up to twenty years in prison.”

Want a sweetener?

Mr. Spitzer twice prosecuted prostitution rings while employed as Attorney General.

I think Keith Oblermann put things best when he declared the Governor’s downfall to be “a small scale Shakespearian tragedy.”

7:15 P.M.

“Months ago he was carrying his own suitcase,” says Anderson Cooper about John McCain, who has just completed a storybook comeback by officially winning the Republican nomination. Meanwhile, Senator Obama has won Vermont and is leading in Texas, while Senator Clinton has captured Rhode Island and is ahead in Ohio.

The editorial staff at Politics & Funk is in the midst of nailing the political futures market. As you can see, we’ve got quite a full profile.

The word on the street is Huckabee is officially dropping out. Probably a good time for it, considering that McCain has now won the nomination. We’ll be back with more in a bit.

7:35 P.M.

Mike Huckabee has just given his last speech as a candidate for President. It began with an extended anecdote about Hall of Fame third-baseman George Brett. It ended with a lengthy quote about the Alamo. For all his peculiarities, Huckabee has been one of the most enjoyable candidates to write about. By staying in the race so long, he’s set himself up to be the frontrunner in 2012, if McCain loses this year.

However, he should be warned that it’s inappropriate for a Baptist preacher and devout moralist like himself to emulate George Brett, who clearly has a fetish for Ben-Gay and flowery aprons.

9:15 P.M.

Sweet Jesus!

It’s been a schizophrenic hour and a half. The race in Texas has been vacillating erratically for the last hour, with the economic fortunes of Politics & Funk swaying back and forth as well. Yes, for lack of a better term, we’ve been day-trading.

Mrs. Clinton has won Ohio and just spoke in Columbus. She wore a vibrant red suit, and apparently she has a new refrain to counter Mr. Obama’s inspirational “Yes, we, can.”

It’s the wildly creative, “Yes, we will.”

Now, with the fluff out of the way, let us get down to the meat of the issue.

Due to its numerous nationwide political connections, Politics & Funk has received exclusive coverage of the Texas caucus process. Yes, that’s right, Texas is holding a caucus in addition to a primary and this, in a nutshell, is what it looks like.

A perfect tableau of liberal Texans. The bearded, white-collared 30 something, crouching in front of a sleek black cowboy, adjacent to a fat, insipid man with a red checkered flannel shirt.

All three look impatient yet calm, in contrast with the woman with the dark curly hair, who is frazzled and desperate in her attempt to vote for Dennis Kucinich.

Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

–William Shakespeare

Some have called it Super Tuesday Two, others Super Tuesday Showdown. But regardless of your preferred nomenclature, it’s a mere twelve hours away from arriving on the ornately decorated doorstep of America’s political consciousness.

Tomorrow Senator Clinton and Senator Obama will face off once again, this time in a four-state brawl that has the potential to finally conclude a long and drawn out battle for the Democratic nomination. With Obama the winner of eleven straight primaries–and currently leading Clinton by 156 pledged delegates–many political pundits believe that Mrs. Clinton must win both delegate rich Ohio and Texas to remain in the race.

“She has a shot,” said Democratic strategist James Carville recently, adding that he’s granted Mrs. Clinton’s request to feverously rub his head during the election returns for good luck.

However, others seem much less confident in Hillary’s chances of winning big. Last week, Newsweek columnist Jonathan Alter suggested that Hillary should drop out before the March 4 primaries and endorse Obama.

“Hillary has only one shot—for Obama to trip up so badly that he disqualifies himself, said Alder, adding,”nothing in the last 14 months suggests he will.”

Alder may be right about Mrs. Clinton’s chances. In fact, it appears that even if she does prevail in Texas and Ohio many political pundits and Democratic luminaries will still be clamoring for her to withdraw. Former New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson recently said on CNN that “whoever has the most delegates after Tuesday, a clear lead, should be, in my judgment, the nominee.”

Utilizing the nifty delegate counter provided by Slate.com, I plugged in a Hillary dream scenario for tomorrow night’s results. As you can see, even with the loftiest of estimates, Senator Clinton will pick up only 20 delegates–leaving her 136 behind Mr. Obama.

So, how can Hillary gain ground?

Well, she may be get some unsuspected help from America’s favorite rabid, pill-popping, avuncular, right-wing radio host, Rush Limbaugh. On his show this afternoon, Limbaugh urged his supporters to vote for Clinton in tomorrow’s primary, stating that “[Republicans] need Barack Obama bloodied up politically.” However, for all of Rush’s delightful charisma, it’s unlikely that many conservatives will actually be able to stomach pulling the lever for Mrs. Clinton once they’re inside the voting booth.

My prediction is that Mrs. Clinton will win narrowly in Ohio and decisively in Rhode Island, while Senator Obama will barely win Texas and easily win Vermont. In any scenario in which Mrs. Clinton wins fewer pledged delegates than Obama overall, she’ll likely drop out. But if she pulls out both Texas and Ohio and ends up on the plus side for Tuesday–even if it’s just by a modicum– I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Democratic race last through April and until June.

And to be honest, I’m kind of excited for that.