Politics & Funk

7:45 P.M- Well, here we are in, sandwiched in the midst of the Super Tuesday frenzy. If you’re like me you’re probably sprawled out on the carpet of your living room, wearing a sweaty v-neck and drinking Bud Light. The early news is as expected.

Obama has won Illinois, Alabama, and Georgia, while Hillary has triumphed in New York, New Jersey, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Tennessee, and Massachusetts.

On the Republican side, McCain has taken New York, New Jersey, Delaware, and Illinois, while Mike Huckabee has won West Virginia, Georgia, and Arkansas.

O.K, Keith Olberman has just compared the Republican race to an M.C. Escher painting. I’m going to jump on Intrade and buy more John McCain presidential futures. But, I’ll be back with more of the lowdown in a bit

8:10 P.M- Barack Obama has won Utah, Kansas, and Minnesota. However, the more fascinating development is the emergence of Mike Huckabee, who, in addition to already winning three states, has leads in Missouri and Tennessee. Huckabee’s strong showing is evidence that the GOP is more splintered than every before. What does this mean?

Well, Tom Brokaw has just invoked the name Barry Goldwater. That should be enough information for the time being.

8:40 P.M- Hillary is up on the podium now. She’s wearing a mustard yellow shirt, and she’s gesticulating vigorously. And do you know why she’s so excited?

It’s because she’s won American Samoa, and according to the Columbia Journalism Review, that makes all the difference in the world.

“I won’t let anyone swiftboat this country’s future,” she proclaims.

Nice.

9:05 P.M-“John McCain and I actually believe that politics can be conducted in a gentlemanly, civil way,” Mike Huckabee says, when Chris Matthews asks him if the two are in cahoots. The only clearcut thing about the GOP race is that everyone loathes Romney. In fact, earlier today, the Huckster called Mitt a “whiner,” in response to a similar allegation.

What made Mitt so mad?

Well, apparently McCain supporters in a nominating convention in West Virginia switched their support to Huckabee on the convention’s second ballot.

An obviously dirty move, and an admirable one.

9:35 PM- Apparently, “Mac is Back,” or at least that’s what McCain’s supporters chant as he walks to the podium. Earlier referred to as Lazarus by a commentator, McCain didn’t wrap things up tonight, but he came close. He gives props to Huckabee that seem authentic, and props to Romney that don’t.

Oh, and here is Lazarus’s theme music:

9:55 P.M- Obama is on the podium now. It’s been a long night of punditry, and personally if I listen to anymore political speculation, I might lose my mind. Hillary is winning California. Obama just used the term “super duper Tuesday.” He has begun his refrain of, “Yes, we can.”

Mike Huckabee is a creationist.

He won five different states