Politics & Funk

I am not a writer.

In fact, I hate writers, they are so bloody pompous.

When I meet them, I laugh at them and their wasted talents. The real poets end up on the cover of Rolling Stone in leather briefs and lipstick, not writing for some fucking rag that no one reads. So I apologize if my words are crude, but I feel compelled to share something with you regarding this election: you are on the verge of really fucking it up.

Who am I talking to? No, not you jingoist, morally-obsessed, inbred shit-heads who are voting for John McCain. Your shockingly primitive brains are of no interest to me. If I was the king, as I fucking should be, I’d banish you all to Alaska and build huge fences around the state so you couldn’t get out. You bloody hillbillies have the collective intelligence of a crushed PBR can.

No, I don’t care to sway any loyal GOP followers, as their hideousness is so vile it actually makes me feel un-sexy. Nor, do I seek to pull votes away from the solipsistic fervor of mainstream liberalism. If you identify in totality with the agenda Democratic party, then you should be forced to spend the rest of your life in a sports bar full of New England Patriots fans. This will expose you to the horror of myopic loyalty, you pansy, liberal fucks!

No, these words aren’t intended for loyalists of either of the two major parties, as they are both beyond hope. This letter is addressed to one specific demographic, and that is the so called progressive wing of the Democratic party.

Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking to you so put down the fucking bong and listen.

You’re so fucking heady with your Obama “Change” shirt on, but do you have a goddamn clue what you’re voting for? You’ve got peace stickers all over your Che poster (I’m sure he’d approve), a fucking picture of Thoreau on your wall, and Zinn’s Peoples History of the United States on your dresser (btw, he’s voting for Nader), yet you’re about to cast a vote for a neo-liberal with a thirst for hegemony, Wall Street bailouts, government wiretaps and corporate campaign contributions, whose one consistency is choosing political expediency over political fortitude.

Barack Obama is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Sure, he’s sexy, but so am I and do you really want me in control of the presidency?

Remember when he said he was going to take public financing during the general election? Well, he reneged, and in doing so struck a huge blow to the burgeoning clean elections movement.

Remember his opposition to the Iraq War? Yeah, well, that was a nice talking point, but unfortunately he voted to fund the war in the Senate instead of showing some courage and standing up to the bloody neocons.

What about his opposition to the Patriot Act? Oh yeah, he voted to authorize that, too?

But, wait, wasn’t he opposed to the FISA bill? Didn’t he promise to filibuster it? Yup, he did, before he caved and voted to provide immunity to the telecommunications industry for spying on Americans

Ok, you say, but at least he’s anti-war, right.

Fuck no, you ignorant Yankee. Obama’s a hawk, just look at the foreign policy advisors he’s surrounding himself with. He takes advice from Madeleine Albright, architect of the economic sanctions that led to the death of 500,000 Iraqi children under the reign of Bill Clinton. When they asked that fat toad if she thought it was worth it to kill 500,000 kids to exert America’s imperial dominance, do you know what she said?

“I think this is a very hard choice, but the price–we think the price is worth it.”

Five hundred thousand kids dead due to a lack of food and medicine and somehow this shrew validates it all so casually. And where Bush started, Obama is ready to take up the reigns. Sure, he’ll pull us out of Iraq, but only so he can expand the war in Afghanistan. Just weeks ago, he committed to send over 15,000 more troops once he’s president, proclaiming that “the terrorists who attacked us on 9/11 are still at large and plotting.”

So you better find Barack a Stetson, because it appears America’s about to have another cowboy occupying the presidency.

“So, what do you expect me to do?” you ask. “I mean, I know Obama isn’t perfect, but he’s the at least better than McCain, isn’t, he?”

You’re goddamn right he is, but that doesn’t mean you should vote for him.

There are 50 states in this nation of used-car dealers and only nine of them are in play in this election. If you don’t live in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Virginia, Florida, Colorado, New Mexico, North Carolina, Missouri, or Indiana, you’re free to vote your conscience and you should.

So cast your vote for Ralph Nader.

This pimp has spent the last 50 years protecting everyday Americans from the corporations that prey upon us. He started his career by taking on the auto industry and is also responsible for the passage of The Clean Air, The Clean Water Act, the EPA, The Freedom of Information Act and a slew of other consumer-related reforms. He wants to cut the bloated Pentagon budget, truly abandon the American war doctrine, provide single-payer healthcare, mandate public financing of elections and demolish the corrupt two-party system.

Unfortunately, this true American hero has been excluded from the debates by the Republicans and Democrats, who have conspiratorially mandated that a candidate have a showing of 15% in the polls to participate—but you have the potential to right this wrong.

If Mr. Nader gets 5% of the national vote on Tuesday (he’s currently polling close to it), he will be granted public financing if he chooses to run in 2012. This means over 80 million dollars in funding and a chance to crack the corporate duopoly that’s been dominating politics for the last century.

Think about it. Do you really identify with Barack Obama’s policies? Do you really think that change comes from a candidate whose list of top donors is full of the Wall Street investment firms that precipitated the economic meltdown?

Declare your independence this Tuesday and a cast a vote for Ralph Nader.

Do it for yourself, do it for America, or do it for Billy fucking Idol, because outside of the pure sexual power of glam rock stardom, a vote is one of the most terrible things to waste.

Billy Idol is a British pop star. His views are his own and don’t necessarily represent those of Politics and Funk. He was granted this space after he threatened to plunder our first-born daughters.

Tags: Barack Obama, Billy Idol, FISA, Goldman Sachs, Madeleine Albright, Patriot Act, Ralph Nader

When great changes occur in history, when great principles are involved, as a rule the majority are wrong. The minority are right.

–Eugene Debs

Five times, Eugene Debs ran for president, including once while imprisoned for violating the Espionage Act by criticizing U.S. involvement in World War I. Five times he lost badly, never winning more than 6 percent of the vote. Yet, despite his lack of success, he continued to run, and run, and run.

What makes a man spit in the face of conventional knowledge, shake off the guarantee of sure defeat, and toss his hat into the presidential ring over and over again?

On CNN on Tuesday night, news anchor Anderson Cooper posed that question to perennial presidential candidate Ralph Nader, who had just announced his fifth run for president.

Cooper: Do you worry that your reputation will be tainted? I mean, all the things you have accomplished thus far, will people just see this as some farcical and narcissistic run?

Nader: I’m a fighter for justice, Anderson. When there’s perennial injustice you have got to keep going after it.

Nader, who turned seventy-four yesterday, is best known for his exhaustive accomplishments in areas of environmental preservation, auto safety, and corporate regulation. His early clashes with the automobile industry were integral in the passage of the 1966 National Traffic and Motor Vehicle Safety Act, which mandated a series of safety features that were previously not included in cars. His actions drew such ire from GM that they hired call girls to seduce him and detectives to dig up dirt on him. As a result, Nader successfully sued them for $425,000 for invasion of privacy.

He used the money to found the first of hundreds of nationwide Public Interest Research Groups (PIRGS). Composed of college-aged staff and volunteers, these grassroots organizations–often referred to as Naders’s raiders–joined with Nader to champion government reforms such as the Freedom of Information Act, the Clean Air Act, the Environmental Protection Agency and the Consumer Protection Agency.

Mr. Nader is also the direct cause of a significant piece of airline reform that affects all of us. Bumped from an overbooked Allegheny Airlines flight in 1972, he successfully sued the airline for $50,000. As a result, airlines were forced to compensate individuals they bumped from flights.

But despite the fact that he’s accumulated a progressive legislative record more formidable than Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama combined, Mr. Nader has become the whipping boy of the liberal intelligentsia as of late.

Earlier this week, Democrats across the country frowned menacingly at Nader’s announcement that he’d be running again. They cursed him, they mocked him, and they whispered his name like it was a rare form of cancer while balling up their fists and hissing.

The liberal media were angry as well:

[Nader] remains as obstinate, prickly, and egotistical as ever,” said the New Jersey Star-Ledger.

“Nader: Unsafe at Any Age,” headlined the Louisville Courier-Journal.

Current Democratic candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama also reacted hostilely to Nader’s announcement. Mrs. Clinton stated that Nader is “responsible” for George Bush, while Obama alleged that Nader “doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” In addition, an article at Politico.com reported that Democrats had already committed to preventing Nader for accumulating votes by “working behind the scenes and using court challenges.” These are the same tactics that the Democrats utilized in 2004 and that are currently the target of a lawsuit by Nader—who alleges the Democrats abused the court system in 2004 by filing frivolous lawsuits to keep him off the ballot.

The Democrats main irritation involving Nader is their belief that he’s responsible for George Bush’s victory in 2000, and has the potential to swing the 2008 election to the GOP as well. The sheer math of the 2000 election returns seem to validate their concern. Nader won over 96,000 votes in Florida in 2000, while Gore lost by only 542 votes to Bush. Since a higher percentage of Nader voters would have gravitated to Gore than Bush, many Democrats find it appropriate to scapegoat Nader for Bush’s victory.

This may be a convenient line of reasoning, but it’s not a sensible one.

There were myriad ways that the Gore could have triumphed in 2000. He could have won his home state of Tennessee, he could have captured the close race in New Hampshire, or he could have done a better job of winning the Democratic vote in Florida, just to name a few. Twelve percent of Florida Democrats voted for Bush, and if even 1% of them had voted for Gore, he would have won. It makes just as much sense to blame those voters, to blame Gore, or to blame the DNC, than to blame Mr. Nader.

In fact, blaming Nader for Gore’s 2000 loss is the equivalent of blaming a slow elevator for getting to work a minute late. Sure, the elevator seems like a convenient excuse, as it’s an easy scapegoat. But, if you had set your alarm earlier, not hit the snooze ten times, forgone flossing your teeth, jogged out the door, run a red light, found a found a better parking spot, or taken the stairs you probably would have arrived on time.

Many also feel Nader’s run to be unjustified because they assume he’s just a slightly liberal version of the Democrats, which is about as sensible as saying the Democrats are just a slightly more liberal version of Mr. McCain.

Mr. Nader holds distinctly different opinions than Mr. Obama and Mrs. Clinton. He would create a true single-payer healthcare system, which neither Democrat will pursue. He would drastically cut the defense budget, which they will continue to fund at equal levels, and he would aggressively pursue environmental and corporate regulation to a degree much higher than either Democratic candidate desires.

Lastly, he would force the issue of third party ballot access, while the Democrats have and will continue to fight tooth and nail to prevent Americans from having the chance to vote for Mr. Nader or any other candidate that threatens their “liberal sovereignty.”

In 2004, Nader met with Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry, who wanted to work to win the support of Nader and his voters. Nader provided over 20 pages of issues ranging from environmental protections, labor, healthcare and tax reform to Kerry. He told Kerry that if he highlighted three of these issues in his campaign he would refrain from running. Kerry failed to act, and later lost to George Bush.

If the Democrats continue to obfuscate democracy and scapegoat Mr. Nader for his desire to make the political process a more diverse one, they deserve the same fate in 2008.

DIGG THIS ARTICLE HERE

Tags: Al Gore, Eugene Debs, George Bush, Ralph Nader

The evening before Halloween is one of those moments in every calendar year that have a visceral feel to them. It’s not quite the jovial excitement of Christmas Eve, or the drunken patriotic slurring that accompanies a Fourth of July celebration. It’s more of a niche in time, like the fleeting seconds before plunging from one year to another—the countdown, from ten, during which you grasp a bottle of champagne in one hand and search with a free eye for a prospect to greet with a fat, sloppy, New Year’s kiss.

It feels a bit magical and eerie at the same time, and as I walk down Broadway at dusk searching for a last-minute costume I am afflicted with the excitable vibration that accompanies trading away one’s persona for another. One night—that’s all I have—a mere 6-8 hours to shift identities and go nuts, put on an ape suit and a Nixon mask and scare the living shit out of every hippie walking the streets.

However, quickly, I realize that such a costume might not actually resonate at all, and might even be viewed by some as a “bummer.” It would be much better to go with something more pop-culture friendly and iconic, or, to maybe just buy a green-fringed jacket with myriad badges, pins, and ribbons, and call myself an “An American Hero.”

After a protracted negotiation, I do just that, and as I wear my newfound identity out the door I immediately feel transformed into a different, zanier version of myself. I am a caricature, a wild-man, and maybe even a bit deviant and … possibly similar … to the way that Vincent Margera felt last summer before he fondled and groped two teenagers in two separate incidents at a Lakewood, Colorado mall and skate-park.

According to the Denver Post, Margera—who is best known as Don Vito, the fat and unintelligible uncle of MTV star Bam Margera—was convicted on October 31 of two charges of sexual assault with a minor. After hearing the verdict, Vito collapsed in the middle of the courtroom and screamed, “Just kill me now, I can’t spend my fucking life in prison. I didn’t do anything,” while writhing on the courtroom floor. Deputies rushed in with a wheelchair and a defibrillator, although witnesses were unsure if Mr. Margera actually had to be resuscitated.

Damn!

Don Vito has gone down hard, and barring a miraculous appeal, he will stay in the clink for quite a while. And although I find him a reprehensible subject, a potential life sentence does seem a bit harsh for putting a sticker on a fourteen-year-old girl’s breast. I mean could we expect anything less from slovenly Uncle Vito? Maybe we are just as guilty as he is.

When Vito first emerged on MTV’s reality show Viva La Bam, it was as an object of torment for Bam and his friends. They would mock him, demolish his possessions with sledgehammers and cranes, and, on occasion, dress him up in women’s underwear. All of these things were mildly funny, but not nearly as funny the things Vito seemed to do on his own accord. At somewhere in the realm of 400 pounds, with a penchant for drink and a mumbling, unintelligible, idiotic method of speech, Don Vito became a caricature of himself. Whether he was taped to a wheelchair, lying semi-naked on a hotel bed with his left testicle exposed, or making aggressive comments to blind dates regarding their most appetizing body parts, we laughed at Don Vito, because what he did, though nowhere near admirable or normal, was really goddamn funny.

As Viva La Bam progressed, the popularity of Uncle Vito grew to the extent that he was no longer a supporting role but often the focus. His obesity, inarticulateness, male chauvinism, drunkenness, and generally lewd and bizarre behavior were rewarded by money and pop-culture status, so it only seemed natural that when he showed up for a public appearance with the rest of the Margera crew he would be in character. Apparently, Don Vito was so intoxicated at the two photo shoots he attended that he urinated in his pants. After he was finished, he proceeded to fondle the breasts and buttocks of three girls between the ages of 12-14.

What in God’s name would let a normal person think they could get away with this? Sure, a bit of the blame goes to MTV, but it’s hard to fault them for much more than the destruction of American music. But, clearly, no sensible person could argue that this behavior is rational, or for that matter legal, could they?

Actually, Vincent Margera’s lawyer did just that!

Attorney Pamela Mackey, who formerly represented Kobe Bryant in a 2003 rape allegation, based her client’s defense upon the theory that Margera was innocent of sexual assault because the assault was perpetrated by his alter ego, Don Vito, who, due to being a character in a popular reality show, could not be prosecuted for his actions. “Fans expected to see Don Vito, not Vincent Margera. You may find the behavior vulgar and disgusting, but it was done to amuse, to entertain, to get a laugh,” Mackey said—which, of course, makes perfect sense.

Because clearly there’s really no other way to get your kicks than tying one on, urinating all over yourself, and then lunging at the chest of fourteen-year-olds!

The reality is that Mr. Vito played a part on T.V. for so long that he forgot it was just that. He forgot that despite his powerful role as America’s favorite degenerate uncle, he still had to follow laws of basic decency. It slipped his mind that couldn’t simply trample over those who awarded him money, prestige, and fame—that he couldn’t just plant his fat, greasy fingers upon the chests of America’s pre-pubescent daughters and expect the collective civil consciousness of our country to sit back and continue to fill his pockets and elevate his ego.

Mr. Margera didn’t remember that sometimes you reap what you sow, that your chickens eventually come home to roost, and that when you think that you’ve made it high enough to be invincible from the laws of basic civil society, you’re usually about a millisecond from being snapped back to earth. And on Halloween—while I was trying on the ultimate fringed jacket—not only had Don Vito gone down, but there was a similarly strange and savage entity that was being reined in for losing sight of the law as well; it was the Democrats

In the name of democracy, these savages had abused the courts, the electoral process, the power of attorney, and the citizens of the United States in a way close to that in which Vito had abused the pure and virginal secondary sexual organs of three young girls. They had simply believed they were entitled, because for so long no one had found the guts to explain to them that they weren’t. Like Vikings laying siege to a hamlet, they did their best to burn, pillage, slash, smear, assault, rape, rob, and riddle—with tremendous displays of intimidation and harassment—an attempt by a third- party candidate to run for the 2004 Presidency of the United States, and if they had thought about it, they would have likely slapped him on the ass and grabbed his crotch while they were at it.

On Halloween, consumer advocate and former Green Party and Independent Presidential candidate Ralph Nader sued the Democratic Party accusing them of filing “groundless and abusive litigation” for the sole purpose of bankrupting his presidential campaign. The suit also names the Kerry-Edwards campaign, the Service Employees International Union, the Ballot Project, and other Democratic-affiliated interest groups. The allegation states that over 53 private law firms and 90 attorneys hired by the Democratic National Party and allied interest groups filed a total of 24 lawsuits against Mr. Nader’s campaign, as well as six complaints with the Federal Elections Committee (FEC)

According to Mr. Nader’s attorney, Carl Mayer, the vast majority of these lawsuits and all six FEC complaints were dismissed through the work of Mr. Nader’s volunteer legal team. The suits were primarily focused around the process of submitting petition signatures to get on the ballot in different states, and eventually resulted in Mr. Nader being removed from the Presidential ballot in at least 18 states. The most formidable allegations are as follows:

(1) Democratic operatives posed as Nader supporters in order to fill out petitions with false signatures such as Mickey Mouse, Fred Flintstone, John Kerry, Hillary Clinton, and, most frequently, Ralph Nader. Then, knowing that fictitious names existed on the petitions, the Democratic legal team sued the Nader campaign for signature irregularities.

(2) Private lawyers telephoned ‘real’ Nader petitioners and threatened that they would be charged with a felony if they personally failed to validate each and every signature. On occasion, Nader supporters were even visited at home by private detectives hired by the defendants and menaced further.

(3) At an Oregon nominating convention in which Mr. Nader needed to get one thousand signatures to qualify for the ballot, hundreds of Democratic operatives posing as Nader supporters were deployed. Taking the place of real supporters, they then refused to sign Nader’s petition, thereby preventing him for getting on the Oregon ballot.

(4) Democratic operatives intentionally signed Nader petitions in incorrect places in the hopes of getting them disqualified.

Nader and his attorney claim their case is “tremendous” and have stated their intention to depose Democratic strategists of the likes of Toby Moffet, Terry McAuliffe, Elizabeth Holtzman, and others. In a 2004 interview with the Guardian, Moffet tacitly admitted that the Democrats used the weapon of endless, frivolous litigation in order to prevent Nader from getting ballot access.

“I think we had a role in the ballot challenges. We distracted him and drained him of resources,” Moffet claimed, adding, “I’d be less than honest if I said it was all about the law. It was all about stopping Bush from getting elected.”

Clearly a staunch believer that the ends justify the means, Moffet seems particularly proud about his role in impeding democracy in the 2004 Presidential election. Maybe, now that his blind political warfare has ended and Mr. Nader has named him personally in a lawsuit, he will realize that the election process is supposed to be about citizens making a choice for an elected leader, not high-priced lawyers filing abusive and groundless litigation to prevent a candidate for being on the ballot.

If not, someone should dress him up in a cheerleader outfit, tie a twelve- pack of Budweiser and a piece of raw meat to his skirt, and roll him headfirst into an 8 by 11 cell with Vincent Margera. I’m quite certain they would have wild and spirited conversations about what it’s like to feel above the law.

Tags: Democrats, Denver, Don Vito, Halloween, Ralph Nader