Feb 10 2008
The Earth Sinks, Spews, and Crumbles in Denver, as Mike Huckabee Shrieks While Trying on a New Lemon-Yellow Tank Top
“I didn’t major in math. I majored in miracles, and I still believe in them too.”
–Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee
The train ride north towards Denver is about as insipid as it gets. Sure, there are snow-covered mountains looming outside of the west window, but they’re no more interesting than potholes after you’ve seen them a thousand times before. The view to the east is I-25, a slog of traffic weaving its way away from work. The same people, driving the same stretch of interstate, in the same state of abject misery over and over again.
The commute, a form of purgatory that’s uniquely American, and more ingrained in our collective consciousness after each passing day. Men and women sitting stagnant in their cars, hands gripped tightly on the wheel and knuckles gently rapping the horn—eager to blurt out a war cry at the first signs of transit misconduct.
“You motherfucker, go ahead, change into my lane, I dare you. I’ll honk and bleat and toot my little horn until I’m blue in the face, until I finally feel a bit better, until I finally feel whole.”
It’s pure masochism, day in and day out on I-25, and it’s not a damn bit of fun to watch after you’ve seen it over and over again. But last Friday, while I was dourly reflecting on the daily horror show from the warmth of the train, something was drastically altering it.
According to the Denver Post, at approximately 3 p.m on February 7th, a water main burst beneath I-25, shooting out over 2 million gallons. Within minutes the road caved in, leaving a 16 foot deep 40 by 40 sinkhole in its place.
“This is the big one,” said CDOT spokeswoman Stacy Stegman, remarking at the vastness of the watery cave.
However, shockingly, no Denverites were injured, and only one local business was damaged.
Why?
Why, in the middle of another humdrum February day, does the ground suddenly decide to open up?
And how is it that on a four-lane interstate, full of drivers, that not a single car happens to be driving over the water main when it explodes?
Personally, I don’t have any idea, but if there’s anyone adept enough to explain such a phenomenon it’s likely America’s new favorite southern politician, the avuncular ex-Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee.
Huckabee, who last week was considered to be nothing more than the last stepping stone for Senator John McCain’s inevitable nomination, shocked the McCain campaign on Saturday by winning two of the three GOP primary contests held.
In the Republican hotbed of Kansas, he slaughtered McCain, winning all 36 delegates and out polling McCain 60% to 24%. In Louisiana, he barely nudged McCain by 1%. McCain’s only victory came in the Washington state caucus, where he nipped Huckabee by only 200 votes.
Much of Huckabee’s strength derived from the absence of ex-Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, who officially suspended his campaign this Wednesday. Romney and Huckabee were previously splitting the conservative Republican vote, a demographic that has shown itself to be increasingly uncomfortable with a McCain nomination. In particular, conservatives object to McCain’s history of rebuking the party line on issues such as tax cuts, campaign finance reform, and immigration.
In fact, some GOP media elites consider McCain a plague upon the Republican Party. Conservative columnist Anne Coulter recently stated that she would campaign and support Hillary Clinton in a general election against McCain, declaring herself to be “a Hillary girl now.”
Despite the criticism of Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and other conservative talk-show hosts, it appeared that after his dominant performance on Super Tuesday, Mr. McCain would be able to galvanize enough votes to quickly finish Huckabee off. In fact, despite previous wins in Iowa, Tennessee, Alabama, Georgia, West Virginia, and Arkansas, Huckabee was still 600 delegates behind McCain—close to a mathematical impossibility to ever catch up. At Intrade.com, a marketplace on which presidential futures are bought and sold, Huckabee’s GOP nomination future was trading between 1.2 and 1.5—on average a 75:1 long shot to become the nominee.
But on Saturday, it became apparent that Republican Party regulars were just as uncomfortable with McCain as conservative talk show hosts were. McCain’s massive loss in Kansas was not only a repudiation of his candidacy, but seemingly a protest vote, which, translated, probably went something like this:
“We don’t give a damn if Mike Huckabee doesn’t have a chance in hell. We’d much rather vote for a God fearing Christian who tells great anecdotes about NASCAR and Jesus then support a ‘liberal’ who thinks that just because he spent five years in a Vietnamese prison camp getting the shit kicked out of him, he can tell our CIA that there’s something wrong with pouring water down the lungs of those camel-fuckers in the Middle East.”
So they did.
The irony is that Huckabee doesn’t share nearly the bad blood for McCain that his supporters do. In fact, many believe that the continuation of his candidacy is simply an effort to get himself on McCain’s ticket as VP—a move that might benefit McCain as he tries to win the support of conservatives and evangelicals. However, if McCain has Huckabee on his short list, the time to cut a deal is coming soon.
Although Huckabee has no real chance of overtaking McCain for the nomination, his victories inflame and inspire the protests of McCain’s critics. They also continue to weaken McCain’s chances in a general election.
For McCain, his saving grace may be this Tuesday’s primaries in Washington, D.C, Virginia, and Maryland. He is a prohibitive favorite in all three races, leading Huckabee by a vote margin of close to two to one in Virginia.
However, for Huckabee, the mathematics of politics is of little to no concern.
“As we all know, a candidate can say one word, do one thing, have one particular moment that can end his whole career, so I’m not saying I’m just driving behind him at the NASCAR race waiting for him to lose a tire, but crazier things have happened. So, the crazy thing for me would be to pull off in the pit crew, get out the car and go take a shower and say, ‘It’s over.’ And then him lose a tire and I’ve lost the race, not because I couldn’t win, but because I wouldn’t stay in the game and finish.”
If McCain does go spinning out of control, Mr. Huckabee will likely have no problem avoiding the wreckage as he skips his way to the finish line.
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